


Some Hearts Have Holes

by AbnormalStupor



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dave and Karkat + Rose and Kanaya are also roommates its like a whole roommate universe up in here, Dirk deals with trying to be a good person, Everyone is in their 20s, Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internalized Homophobia, John deals with depression, M/M, Roommates, Slow Burn, also background implications of a past one-sided davejohn crush if you really REALLY squint, at least in the beginning, everyone deals with trying not to be a shitty roommate, former dirkjake, oh my god they were roommates, theres background rosemary and davekat if you squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:08:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23290696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbnormalStupor/pseuds/AbnormalStupor
Summary: After John's dad passes in a terrible car crash, he makes the rash decision to flee to Texas in order to have the support and company of his long-time internet friend, Dave. Problem is, Dave already has a roommate, his apartment is small, and John can't live there forever.When Dave gets a call from his brother Dirk complaining about a runaway ex and an abandoned lease, an opportunity opens up.
Relationships: John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Comments: 39
Kudos: 146





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Some Brief Content Warnings that aren't prominent enough parts of the story for tags: 
> 
> Both responsible and irresponsible alcohol consumption. Everyone is at least 21. No one gets taken advantage of while under the influence.
> 
> Dirk and Dave both grew up under Bro; this is only referenced minimally and there aren't any flashbacks or abuse mentions, but there are implications, and these implied experiences shape how I write these characters.

The gentle hum of his motor was the only thing keeping him company as he drove over the state border. His eyes glazed over the miles of dead interstate before him. His phone charger was dead, and gone with it were his gps and music. The radio stations were fuzzy, mixing between static and different genres and songs as the wavelengths clashed. It was annoying and distracting, and so the young man had opted for silence instead. Tired blue eyes fought heavy eyelids as the night dragged on. He practiced eye exercises, moving his eyes left to right, turning his attention to billboards, to exit signs, to anything to keep his mind awake. He knew it wasn’t working. But the rising anxiety in his chest forbade him from pulling off and trying to find a motel in the unfamiliar landscapes. He was almost to his destination, anyway. He would make it.  
Eventually he was overcome by a heaviness in his mind that he couldn’t fight.  
He thought of his father as his mind drifted away into the atmosphere.   
Silence.  
Then panic.  
He heard it before he felt it, the piercing moan of the rumble strips followed by the frantic vibration of his car.  
John opened his eyes and swung the steering wheel to the left in a fierce moment of overcorrection. He felt the bags of luggage in the trunk and the backseat of his car crash into each other.  
He was lucky it was the dead of night. No one else was on the road.  
The Egbert family didn’t need another funeral so soon.  
...Not that he had any real living relatives that would come.  
The heaviness in his mind wasted no time settling back in as soon as he corrected himself in the right lane, though. John reached for the knob under his radio to turn the AC up as much as he could. It took a moment for the freezing air to blast on his face, and he perked up a little. He could do this. He would make it there tonight if it killed him.   
His stomach growled.   
Maybe he should grab a bite to eat first.  
John kept an eye on the blue exit signs as they passed. Pulling off wasn’t optional; he was running low on gas, too. In a spark of panic, he looked to his wallet in the cupholder. He really hoped his credit card wasn’t locked from traveling so far. He hadn’t planned this trip; calling his bank was the last thing he would have remembered to do. He sighed and turned his attention back to the road. Amidst the blank signs and open fields, he eventually saw one labeled “Gas, next exit,” and prepared himself to pull off. Dread filled him as he came to realization that he would once again have to scout his own way to the gas station without directions. Thankfully, the illuminated sign for it appeared to be the only thing in sight.  
John exited the car, and stood for a moment, taking in the feeling of lightheadedness and the numbness of his legs that made them feel like jelly. The clear winner of his body’s discomfort, however, was the sudden realization of just how much his ass hurt from the days of nearly nonstop driving. He tried to remedy this by shaking out his limbs and stretching, but it didn’t do him much good. With a hearty sigh he managed to pull control of each part of his stiff body, and walk to the barley-hinged glass door. The stark brightness of the buzzing fluorescent lights yanked him farther away from his tired state. The burly clerk wearing a trucker hat didn’t even greet him.   
In his hands he gathered a hot dog, three shots of five-hour-energy, and a portable car charger, slightly more expensive than he was used to, that would hopefully last him longer than the last one he bought. His card wasn’t locked, and he wondered if that was a good or a bad thing in the long run. A full tank of gas later, and John was back on the road. He had his gps-serving phone mounted to the dash once more. Although, it was difficult to see the directions under the stream of snapchat notifications from Dave flowing in, now that his phone had re-established connection. He regretted not turning off his snapmaps. He did not regret turning off his notifications for pesterchum, his best friend’s first line of communication.  
He had a long drive ahead of him. Outdated movie soundtracks kept him company.   
Each time he felt his desire to sleep take control, he switched to a song he knew the lyrics to, and belted it out for no one but himself to hear. Playing the piano from a young age had given him a good sense of pitch. He could probably learn to sing professionally, if he wanted to. Instead, he just used the mental energy it took up to keep him awake on long drives like this.   
John saw the sun begin to rise from his left window. More cars began to surround him. He knew that his body needed sleep even more now than it had in the past hour, but now his natural clock was trying to supress the urge. Dawn was here.   
The voice on his gps drowned out the rock ballad he was listening to. It told him to take the next exit. He was almost there.   
His mind filled with determination, and he followed the guiding robotic voice of his maps application into a smaller city outside of Houston, Texas. A college town, judging by the small amount of students with bookbags beginning to make their way to their summer classes. Aside from having to stop for the occasional jaywalker, he had smooth sailing to his destination.   
John parked his car in the pothole-ridden parking lot of the small, two story apartment structure. He decided to leave his luggage for a later hour, and began the trek up the exterior wooden stairs with nothing but his keys and his phone. If his car got broken into… Well, that was an issue for Future John to deal with.   
He hesitantly counted the doors until he came to the number he recognized: Apartment 207. His fist hesitated over the door. It was idiotic for him to hesitate now after all the effort he put in to getting here.   
Thankfully he didn’t even have to knock.   
John saw the doorknob turn, and his anxiety spiked.   
The person who met his eyes wasn’t Dave, but instead a short, stout young man with unkempt brown hair and bags under his eyes.   
“Who the fuck are you,” his words were a mix between a growl and a shout. It came across as more of an accusation than a question.   
John felt a bitterness rise in him. Perhaps he had the wrong apartment, but this dude didn’t need to be an ass, and--  
A frantic sound of fumbling movement from inside the apartment made him close his mouth before he could even start speaking. Another young man barreled his way to the front door, putting his hand on his roommate's shoulder and shoving him out of the way...  
“What the fuck, Dave?”  
...and onto the ground.   
Dave stood in the doorway.   
It was really Dave.   
After 21 years of life, his best friend was there.   
Dave looked stunned.   
John fell into his arms crying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is not only my first time writing this ship, but this is my first time writing a Homestuck fanfic in general! I'm more used to writing original content than fanfic, and I'm not super involved in this fanbase. I'm honestly not too familiar with this ship either; I just had an idea and ran with it. So if any of the characterization feels off, I'm open to criticism!
> 
> To round off the list of things I'm experimenting with, I'm not used to writing mlm. I'm queer. I identify as a trans man, but my interest is primarily in women. My experiences are not universal. If you have any comments about my portrayal let me know--I don't want to fall into bad tropes.
> 
> Get ready for a ride! I might be spotty with updates, but I created a decent backlog before posting this, so hopefully the waits won't be too bad! My introductory chapters are usually pretty short to set the mood; the next few will be longer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave, pushing a gap between me and Dirk: mom said its my turn to be a central character

Dave let John spend the next few minutes crying into his arms. His roommate had begrudgingly left for work without receiving an explanation. While he was dreading the conversation that they would have to have later, he was grateful it left them alone.   
Dave wanted to yell. To lecture him. To call him an idiot for making the drive alone, for showing up on his doorstep without permission, for not communicating, for not thinking this through. But he also didn’t know what John was going through. He couldn’t really comprehend it. And he knew that scolding him wouldn’t help him, so he kept up his cool act and let his best friend sob into his arms. That was what he needed, probably.  
“It’s gonna be ok, dude.”   
He felt it natural to rub John’s back to try to calm him down, but the unfamiliar feeling of intimacy made his movements stiff. He really wished their first meeting wasn’t under these circumstances. He blamed himself for not getting a better job, for not clearing his schedule, for coming up with excuses. There had been plenty of summers where they could have met up, theoretically. Dave was just scared of what he might realize about himself if he did. His ego had forced them to wait until a tragedy, and now the excuses were reality. There was barely enough food in the apartment for two people, much less three. His landlord wouldn’t appreciate a third person living here, and they didn’t even have the space for a cat if they wanted. Him and his roommate were already at each other's throats, and he didn’t even want to think about having to explain the situation to him. He really wished that John had at least given him a heads up. He was stressed out of his goddamn mind, and he didn’t want to end up taking that anger out on his friend, even if he was the root of it.   
A disgusting sniffle pulled Dave’s attention back to his friend. God dammit, if the little shit just got snot on the shoulder of his new shirt he’d be pissed. He felt his friend look up and loosen his grip. John was probably observing the apartment. Dave could imagine his eyes looking over all the empty cans and pizza boxes, the jackets strewn over the couch that hadn’t been touched since winter. It was a mess, for sure. By the time Dave had realized that John was doing the _exact thing he had feared,_ he was too stressed to even think about cleaning.   
He was prepared for John to make a snarky jab at his living situation.   
“Can I sit on the couch?” Were his first words instead. They were so clear, despite the waterworks. Any words would feel clear after only hearing them through a phone or computer screen.   
“Sure, I’ll clear you off a spot.”   
John pulled away from the embrace, leaving Dave the freedom to turn away and face the couch, which was, in truth, in an even worse state than he had just been imagining. Karkat was a neat freak, but mostly kept to his room. Dave grew up in a mess of a house, never really figuring out how to clean even when his brother told him it would bite him in the ass. He didn’t like admitting that he was right, but he couldn’t argue with the trash bag he had to practically jump over to get to the small loveseat in front of him.   
The leftmost cushion was mostly clean, as that was where he normally sat, but the right was covered in pizza boxes and… a take-out container of fettuccine alfredo that had spilled out to leave the sauce seeping into the couch and oh god he really didn’t want to think about the last time he got take out. No wonder Karkat refused to sit down and watch tv with him. Fuck.  
He used a leftover takeout napkin on the coffee table to wipe it up as best as he could, but ended up just mostly rubbing it into the sofa.   
“Do you, uh, need some help? I mean, I did show up unexpectedly and all, so I mean, it’s only--”   
Take one for the team, Dave.   
“No I’m good,” Dave threw another napkin over the mess and sat down atop it, hoping it was clean enough to not leave a mark on his black jeans by the time he stood up. He looked over to John.   
John looked so out of place in his apartment. He was tired, slumped. He looked… small, like the mess was going to devour him. Like the world was going to devour him. Dave patted the clean spot next to him, trying to keep a straight face despite how broken his heart felt at the sight.   
John obliged, carefully stepping around the obstacles on the floor.   
For a few moments they sat in silence.   
Not speaking, just enjoying each other's company.   
At least, that’s what Dave assumed was happening until he felt a weight fall on his shoulder. The soft, lulling sound of John's breath confirmed to Dave that he was asleep, even if he wasn’t snoring. That was fair; John had been driving for a long time according to his snapmaps. Dave was just happy he got to his apartment in one piece.   
Dave pulled out his phone from his pocket, careful not to move too much as knock John off of his shoulder. He wasted no time in pulling up pesterchum.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: hey rose are you busy  
TG: i think i need some help  
TT: Oh my. Dave Strider asking for my assistance? The situation must be dire.  
TG: johns here  
TT: I see.  
TG: yeah i didnt think the dude would actually do it but here the dumbass is sitting on my dirty ass couch asleep and greasy like a lost kitten at a fucking truckstop  
TT: You seem to be upset.  
TG: i mean  
TG: im stuck in a shitty messy apartment with only a couch stained with pasta sauce and a lousy angry roommate whos just gonna yell at me later so  
TG: im not mad at john  
TG: i guess im just mad i cant be a better friend  
TT: I'm sure John is content with your couch after his long drive.  
TT: I believe that you are overthinking this.  
TT: You two have been friends for how long?  
TT: Just as long as you and I have known each other, at least.  
TT: John is lucky to have you there to open your door for him. I'm sure he feels as much.  
TG: maybe  
TG: its not really so much that im worried what he thinks of me  
TT: Of course not.  
TG: its more that i dont know how long he can stay  
TG: if he was laying down properly im pretty sure his feet would be dangling off the edge of this thing and i really dont have the space or money to get something bigger  
TG: and i know he came here looking for my support but i wasnt just making excuses when i said he couldnt live with me  
TT: I see.  
TT: I find it hard to believe that John is going to want to stay there forever, in that case.  
TT: I’m sure that he will end up coming to the realization on his own.  
TT: Just give him time. And try to also spend some time with him while you're at it.  
TG: i guess  
TT: John came to Texas for you, not for your house.  
TT: I cannot imagine the stress he is under right now.  
TG: thats fair  
TG: well im gonna get moving  
TG: get him some pillows  
TG: a blanket  
TG: clean this fucking couch sauce off my pants  
TT: Is he laying on your lap right now?  
TG: close but no cigar  
TG: but seriously i gtg  
TG: thanks for your help  
TG: later

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

Dave let out a sigh and set his phone on the arm rest. He reached his hand behind him to grab ahold of the jacket draped over the back of the couch. It wasn’t a pillow, but at least John wouldn’t wake up with his hair tangled in fettuccine sauce. He gripped John’s shoulder and gently pushed him away, just enough so that he could stand up. After moving the jacket into position, he set John down. Even laying down, his legs still hung off the couch from where he had been sitting earlier. The position didn’t look comfortable, but no position on the loveseat would have been, and Dave didn’t want to spend too much time disturbing his sleep.   
Instead, he made his way towards the supply closet, which, without any proper hallways, had an awkward spot next to the television. He realized it was a mistake to open when he found himself face-to-face with an avalanche of sheets, cleaning supplies, and boxes of miscellaneous items that were suddenly burying him in the carpet.   
Somehow, John managed to sleep through the crash. Dave sat up and tried to brush some of the debris off of him. If Karkat were home, he’d be getting an earful right now for making such a ruckus. Thankfulness rushed over him.   
Dave forced himself up with a grunt to observe the pile. In it, he spotted a baby blue bed sheet -- It wasn’t a blanket, but it was better than nothing. He dusted it off and placed it over John, before surveying the room once more.   
Maybe he _should_ clean. At least, try to. At least so he wouldn’t be kicked out by his roommate.   
In the pile of debris was also a dustpan and a bottle of windex. The closest had managed to retain the broom.   
He let out a sigh, grabbed his phone and his earbuds, and got to work.   
Cleaning turned out to be just as relaxing as it was stressful. He wasn’t quite sure where he was supposed to start, but he began by clearing off the major surfaces, dusting, and wiping them down. Anything that could be thrown away in the process was dumped in a trash bag and thrown out of the way by the door.   
John was still asleep by the time he heard a loud string of curses emanate from the other side of said door. Apparently, the trash bags had piled up, and were now blocking the entrance. Bottle of wipes still in-hand, he bolted towards the door to move them out of the way, but it appeared Karkat had already won the struggle, forcing the door open.  
Dave watched in horror as 3 trash bags toppled over and spilled out onto the floor. Standing in the doorway was Karkat, who looked about as pissed as Dave looked distraught.  
And then his expression softened.  
“Are you… Actually cleaning?”  
“Uh… Yeah?” Dave looked like a deer caught in headlights as Karkat grunted and forced his way over the piles of garbage between them. In a moment they were standing face to face. Dave tried to relax. Karkat slapped him hard enough to knock his glasses off.   
“What the hell was that for?” Dave dropped the wipes and dove to save his glasses before they hit the ground.   
“Payback for this morning,” Karkat replied, “I’ll be right back, give me a second.”   
After placing his glasses back on his face, Dave watched Karkat enter his room along the opposite wall. He blinked, and Karkat returned, tossing a pair of rubber gloves towards him as he headed back towards the front door. Karkat was already wearing a pair himself.  
“You’re supposed to get rid of the trash before you start disinfecting, dipshit,” Karkat said, while piling the soda cans and food bags back into the trash bag, “Well, what, are you just gonna sit there and do nothing like you always do? I didn’t give you gloves so you could play with your ass. Come over here and help.”  
Dave obliged. In no time they had gathered the garbage back in the bags, and they each took one over the shoulder to bring to the dumpster outside.   
“So, who’s the kid on your couch?” Karkat asked as the wooden stairs creaked beneath them.   
“He’s a childhood friend. Didn’t know he was going to visit. I promise I woulda told you if I knew, man.”   
“You’ve never mentioned him before.”  
“He lives over two thousand miles away, I didn’t think he’d ever be relevant,” As the words slipped out, Dave realized how ugly they sounded, and quickly tried to correct himself, “Sorry, I mean, relevant to you. I mean, it's not like I ever thought in a million years you’d get to--”  
“Shut up, I don’t care.” Karkat set down one of the bags, and grunted as he prepared to throw the other one into the dumpster.   
Dave was too caught off guard to respond.   
After being satisfied with the bag landing, Karkat continued, “Why is he here?”   
“Um,” that question was harder to answer, “long story.”   
“Make it short then.” The second bag landed in the dumpster.   
“Last week, uh, his dad passed. Tragic car accident.”  
“Oh,” Karkat hesitated on grabbing the next bag by Dave’s feet.  
“He, uh, I think he kinda panicked. The dude’s always flown with the wind, done things on whims, but he’s always had his dad there to support him, yknow? Talk him out of things. Push him in the right direction. I think without him he just kinda… felt like he lost control?” Dave cleared his throat, “I mean, we’ve always talked online. Since we were kids. We’ve never even met face-to-face. I guess he needed someone to lean on right now, and figured ‘hey, I’ve never seen my best bro Dave, what a guy, why’ve I never visited before,’ and just kinda… left without telling me? I don’t know. He hasn’t responded to my messages in three days. Maybe I’m just pulling this outta my ass.”   
Karkat took the next two bags and threw them in the dumpster as Dave rambled on.   
“He sounds like he trusts you.”   
“I guess?”  
Karkat began walking back up the stairs. Dave followed.   
“He can stay here until he feels better.”   
Dave stopped.  
“Really?”  
“Yeah. I know what he’s going through,” Karkat turned to look down at him, “I just wish I had halfway decent friends to rely on when it happened. He sounds like he does. So he can stay.”   
“You,” Dave began to respond, but his words hitched, and Karkat interrupted.   
“He can’t stay here forever though. At least not on your shitty couch.”  
“Oh, uh, yeah. I can’t imagine him wanting to stay more than a few weeks, all things considered.”  
“Yeah, like your shitty habits,” Karkat elaborated. He started walking back up the stairs.   
Dave bit his tongue so as to not let the conversation escalate into a fight. He wasn’t exactly wrong.   
They walked the rest of the way to the apartment door and entered in silence. Karkat went to open the door to his room, but was stopped when Dave spoke.  
“Hey, Karkat?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Thank you.”  
Karkat sighed, entered his room, and shut the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this is a dirkjohn fic we'll get to see Dirk very soon I promise  
> Next chapter should be up in a few days if not tomorrow!
> 
> Also, my simple rule of thumb for how familial relationships work in this universe is basically "if they shared a last name they grew up under the same roof" and if not, then they're probably distant/forgotten relatives. I really just didn't want to set my brain on fire for something that would only end up manifesting in small details, I hope you understand.


	3. Chapter 3

“I can’t believe you used to like this movie, dude.”  
John laughed at Dave’s comment as a long line of credits rolled up the screen. He barely understood why he used to like it either, but it brought him comfort in the moment. And in the moment, comfort was what he needed. John placed his finished dish on the coffee table in front of him and stretched.  
Dave sat on the couch next to him, and his roommate Karkat was currently sitting backwards in the desk chair he had brought out from his room, letting his chin rest on the back. Based on Daves initial explanation of their living situation, John had expected to be spending most of his time with Dave alone, but Karkat had left his room frequently to drop in on conversations. It turned out that he wasn’t actually as grumpy as their first impression had insinuated, no matter how much Dave had tried to convince him otherwise. In fact, on his first day, after John had asked Dave to take him to his favorite local spot, with Dave proceeding to take him to _Olive Garden,_ Karkat took the three of them to an actual local bar with food John could actually find himself enjoying--not that he didn’t like unlimited breadsticks. Tonight, Karkat had even made a pot of homemade spaghetti for the three of them to share over movies.   
“Dude, we should do this every night,” Dave placed his half-finished bowl of spaghetti on the coffee table next to John’s.  
“Fine, but I get to pick the movie next time,” Karkat responded.   
“Oh what? No way dude, you look like a guy who has a shit taste in movies.”  
“You look like a guy who has a shit taste in personality.”  
John burst out in laughter at the beginning of the bickering. It cleared the air.   
“Fine, but only because you made us dinner.”  
“Mhmm,” Karkat swiveled his chair back around so that he could recline in it while sitting.   
The credits rolled to the end, causing the movie library to pop back up. Dave reached for the remote to turn off the television before anything could start auto-playing.   
“By the way,” John began “I never really got a chance to thank you guys… So, thank you.”   
“It’s no problem dude, I’ve always got your back,” Dave reached out a hand to pat Johns back to emphasize his words.   
“Take as long as you need; apparently Mr. cool guy over here wants to keep you impressed enough to want to keep the apartment clean.”   
Dave clearly shot Karkat a look, but it was blocked by his glasses. Karkat snorted at the irony.   
John laughed, “I’m not planning to stay too much longer. I’ll be out of your hair soon, and back in an actual bed.”   
He felt sad as he said it. John had only just arrived, and had barely stayed as many days as he had spent traveling. But he was beginning to feel the size limitations of the apartment.  
Karkat spoke out before Dave, “Are you sure? Your luggage is kind of implying you were intending to stay months at least.”  
John tried to smile genuinely. It only broke for a moment, when Dave moved his hand to his shoulder. “Yeah, I’m sure.”  
Karkat’s look became intense.   
“Do you have someone to stay with when you go back home?”  
John shook his head, “Nah, but really, I’ll be fine.”  
Karkat’s eyes widened, “You’re planning on living alone in your house? You don’t have any friends or relatives to stay with?”   
John felt Dave’s grip on his shoulder tighten.  
“I know you don’t want to burden us,” Dave started, “But I don’t want you having to live alone in your house.”  
Karkat continued, “Neither of us do. You aren’t going to get over this in just a couple days, don’t force yourself to go back until you’re ready, ok?”  
John started tearing up, and he turned to hug Dave, which, judging by the way he tensed up, apparently took him by surprise.  
“Thank you guys,” his words were muffled by Dave’s shoulder before he looked up to Karkat, “But really, I’ll be fine. Honestly I just want to sleep on a bed again.”   
Karkat laughed at the statement. Dave patted John’s back with a certain stiffness to his movements.   
“We’ll buy you a cot,” Dave declared. John laughed, then yawned.  
“Cheap-ass,” John laughed and shoved Dave off of him before yawning, “How about we talk about this more in the morning?” As he yawned he stretched, eventually fulfilling the dramatic movement by falling backwards until his head hit the armrest. Dave nodded.   
“Sure,” Karkat stood up from his chair to collect the dishes, leaning over to Dave in the process, “Help me wash these?”   
A groan, “Fineee,” and Dave stood up, giving a gleeful John the rest of the sofa.   
John reached for the blanket draped over the back of the couch and pulled it over him. It was the first thing he had unpacked after bringing in his luggage, which now sat in front of the supply closet next to the television. He heard the running water from the sink, followed by Karkat yelling at Dave to “scrape the food off before rinsing.” It was a nice lull of life.   
He had been alone in his house for a week after the accident. Not totally alone, with some of his dad’s coworkers coming by, some old teachers from high school, and some life-insurance agents. Not to mention the funeral preparations… But all of his dad’s family lived far away, at least far away enough that John never got to meet them. They didn’t fly in when he was born, or when his mother vanished, so they weren’t going to fly in for the funeral. He was the only one of blood relation in the entire room.  
But the house… The house was empty. And it was _different_ when it was empty. It didn’t feel like home. It didn’t feel natural. He felt like a bird in a rotting tree. No leaves to protect him. Just the morbid reality of death facing him wherever he dared to step. The breeze threatened to blow him away.   
And it did blow him away. The breeze blew him away to Texas. And he didn’t want to go back, but he also didn’t want to be a burden. Not only that, but Dave was seeming to want to make an event out of each day he stayed. It didn’t sit right with him. And it was taking too much energy out of him. He needed time to recharge. That didn’t mean he wanted to drive 2,000 miles away to do so, though.   
John let the conflicting thoughts pull him into a troubled sleep.   
Finished with the dishes, Dave and Karkat walked back past the couch.   
“Is he asleep already?”  
“Out like a fucking light bro. I told you he sleeps heavy.”   
As if on queue, Karkat approached the lightswitch next to his door to turn off the lights completely, before opening the door to his room.  
“Goodnight. Thanks for dinner.”  
Karkat hesitated for a moment before closing his door.   
“Don’t mention it.”  
And Dave was left alone.   
He stretched by himself, and rolled out the kinks in his back, before removing his glasses to let his eyes adjust to the darkness. He looked to where John was on the sofa. Because of the way the lights from outside shone through the windows, he couldn’t see much besides the shadowy imprint of where his legs were hanging off, but it was enough to see that he was still there.   
Dave felt dread wash over him at the thought that John wouldn’t be there forever. They’d always talked, and John had always felt so _real_ to him, but getting the chance to see him in the flesh, to live with him, was a different experience altogether. He was able to see his quirks, hear his voice, things that were muffled from a friendship that only existed on screens for so many years. And it was like the man’s presence seemed to have some sort of emotional healing properties. In just a few short days, even with him sleeping in until well into the afternoon, John had managed to push Dave to take control of his life without even realizing it. Dave had a motivation to keep the apartment clean. He had a motivation to take care of himself. Not to mention his situation with his roommate seemed to improve dramatically overnight--they’ve said more to each other in the past three days then they’ve said in the past 6 months.  
And he didn’t want John to have to live alone. Dave had jumped at the freedom to have an apartment away from his eldest, and then even his older brother. When he learned he wouldn’t even be having a roommate over the first semester living in his current apartment, he was ecstatic. But John wasn’t like him. Even if the situation wasn’t what it was, he couldn’t picture John having to live by himself. And the situation really did just make things worse.   
Dave let out a grunt and entered his room.   
The brightness of his computer screen startled him. Someone was messaging him. And, judging that pesterchum was open, it was someone he actually gave two shits about. 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Dave.  
TT: Are you awake.  
TG: yeah whats up  
TG: you never message me bro i was feeling so lonely up in here  
TG: its brotherly bonding time  
TG: time to catch up on all those times you left me on read  
TG: ...  
TG: ok or you can not respond thats cool  
TG: totally chill  
TG: ok sheesh ill shut up but i know you messaged me for a reason  
TT: Jake's gone.  
TG: what do you mean "jake's gone" did he get lost in town again or something  
TG: listen the dude grew up in the jungle if your stories are to be believed   
TG: youd think he could navigate a city  
TG: hell be fine  
TG: ok youre doing the not responding thing again  
TG: sorry was that in bad taste  
TG: maybe i would know if you bothered to give me more information bro  
TT: All his shit is gone. His car is gone.  
TT: He didn't even bother to leave a fucking note.  
TT: Rent is due next week. I obviously can't count on him.  
TT: I'm not expecting you to chip in, sorry, I'm just fucking pissed off and I need to get this off of my chest.  
TT: I don't know what he might have told my friends, so I cant turn to them.  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: I know you cant help. So, sorry for bringing it up.  
TT: Just forget about it.  
TG: no youre good shit man  
TG: you can always turn to me were in this together ok  
TG: now i feel like an asshole  
TG: oh hey  
TG: oh shit guess what  
TT: What?  
TG: i think i can help with your rent problem  
TT: I know full well that your lease still has months before ending.  
TT: I already said that I don't want you just giving me your money.  
TG: relax im not gonna move in with you i already have a roommate to deal with  
TT: Rent isn't even a huge issue, i have a bit of cash saved for emergencies.  
TG: youd know that if you ever messaged me back  
TT: Sorry.  
TG: anyway no its my friend john  
TT: The guy you always used to stay up Skyping at one AM?  
TG: i mean i have other friends  
TG: but short answer yes  
TG: hes living on my couch right now and his shit is everywhere  
TG: dude showed up one day like a lost puppy and dont get me wrong it was great to see him but we only have two bedrooms and im not gonna share a twin sized bed with him  
TG: karkat certainly isnt he barely knows the guy  
TT: Karkat?  
TG: my roommate keep up  
TG: anyway we couldnt turn him away but we didnt know what to do with him  
TG: until now  
TT: I don't know.  
TT: Does he even have a job?  
TT: If he just showed up from bumfuck nowhere, then I don't know if I should rely on this random kid to rent, no offense.  
TG: i think hes kinda  
TG: overflowing in life insurance money right now?  
TT: Oh.  
TG: yeah  
TG: hes got enough money to pay rent for a while at least  
TG: at least enough until hes feeling solid enough to go home  
TG: and/or until you find someone else  
TG: it might be for a little while  
TG: he had a really sweet dad  
TG: always wanted to meet him and im kinda pissed at myself for putting it off  
TG: used to drop in our facetime calls like "what up im your new official parent" after i spilled what was going down with our bro  
TG: well  
TG: anyway  
TT: He's welcome here. If he wants.  
TT: It sounds like we're both going through some shit.  
TT: Maybe he'll help me get my fuckin' act together.  
TG: thanks  
TG: we really didnt know what to do with him but we knew he couldnt stay on my couch forever  
TG: i dont want him living alone either  
TT: No, thank you.  
TT: I promise i'll talk to you more. I want you to keep me updated on your roommate shenanigans.  
TG: only if you tell me yours

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

Dirk Strider closed the application before letting the phone fall onto his chest with a soft thud. He took in a deep breath, and reached up to rub his eyes. Sparks of static danced behind his tired eyelids. It was much less offensive to him than staring out at the empty room that surrounded him, the bare walls and broken picture frames that threatened to cave in on his subconscious.   
The apartment was empty. And it was different when it was empty.   
It didn’t feel like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this universe, with Dirk and Dave being brothers, I took the liberty that Dirk was probably a super protective older brother and kind of babied him a lot. As a result, combined with the polar opposite treatment by their guardian and the environment they grew up in, Dave isn't so great at taking care of himself.
> 
> Thank you all for the comments and kudos!! I usually don't branch out like this so I appreciate every bit of love I get <3


	4. Chapter 4

John’s move hadn’t been immediate. As soon as Dirk woke up that morning, he once again realized he was still living in the same hellhole of an apartment from his prior breakdown, and that hellhole needed some straightening up.   
There were gaps on the shelves where books had been. Gaps in the closet where clothes had been. Picture frames that were empty. Furniture and appliances that were gone. A broken mirror in the workshop where Dirk had thought it a good idea in drunken stupor to punch himself into a thousand splintering reflections.   
His apartment was a mess, and it would take at least a day for it to be presentable. Thankfully, according to Dave it would take at least a day for the idea to warm up to John. Understandable -- besides the few times Dirk had walked in on his brother talking to him, they’d never really interacted. It was normal to have uncertainties.   
By the time John did move in, it was Dirk who was still having uncertainties.   
He looked like Jake. At least, he did at first. They both had the same shade of hair, and in a similar style. They both wore the same kind of glasses. They shared the same dumb childish look. Dirk was thankful when John first opened his mouth to tell Dave off for a joke as they moved his luggage in. He didn’t have the same voice, and he definitely didn’t have the same attitude. John wouldn’t let Dave push him around, and clearly wouldn’t let Dirk, either. Dirk was sure he would be painfully aware of the boundaries as they came up.   
It did make sharing a room awkward.   
After him and Jake had agreed to start sharing a bed, they had moved all his belongings into Dirk’s room and transformed the spare one into a workshop. Dirk had figured that John wouldn’t want to sleep in a room full of sharp machinery and glaring robotic faces, and he wasn’t about to move his equipment for a situation that might only last a few months. Instead he separated the twin beds in his room, and bought new sheets for both.   
He was starting to have second thoughts, now.   
At least John didn’t snore. He slept so quietly, actually, that Dirk found himself looking over to make sure that his younger brother’s best friend hadn’t just dropped dead in his apartment. But, no, the guy just had astonishing breathing.   
And, apparently, John slept for quite a while, too.   
Granted, Dirk didn’t get out of bed until one either, but he didn’t think John would be sleeping in too much later. At least as long as he was. Maybe John was just tired of the moving, although most of his stuff was still in bags. But, really, at this point it was almost like living with a dead guy.   
It was nearly three in the afternoon and Dirk was filling a tupperware container with the leftover scrambled eggs he had made. So much for fresh breakfast.   
“Did you make food?”  
Holy shit the dude moved like a ghost. Dirk hadn’t even heard him open the door. A second or two later and the container wouldn’t have landed on the counter. A second or two later and Dirk would be cleaning egg bits out of his carpet for weeks. God, he never understood the design idea of a carpeted kitchen.   
“Yeah, I was actually just about to put it away,” Dirk turned to face John, and damn he did not look as awake as the amount of sleep he got would have implied, “I can put some on a plate for you if you’d like.”  
“That’d be great,” John yawned, and moved towards the dining table, propping his head up in his hand. He was still wearing the clothes he had moved in with.  
Dirk piled some eggs on a plate before reaching into the fridge for the plate of bacon he had already put away. Thankfully it had only been in there for less than a minute, so there was no need to reheat it. In a minute he set the finished plate in front of John, who started eating at a snail's pace. Dirk grabbed a few pieces of bacon to snack on.   
“I think I’m gonna try to start unpacking the bulk of my stuff today,” John said between bites, “do you know how far the nearest walmart is? I might try to buy a desk. Or like, at least a table, if that's ok with you.”  
Dirk swallowed before responding, “Actually think I might have a spare pop-up in my workshop, if you’d like to use that.”  
There was a spark in John’s eye. A spark that looked like it always should have been there. Maybe he was just finally waking up.   
“Yeah, I’d love that.”   
“I’ll try to find it in a minute.”   
“What do you use your workshop for, exactly? Robots and stuff?”  
It became suddenly apparent to Dirk that he and John would have to have a conversation later on just what Dave had told them about the other over the years.   
“Sometimes. I mostly practice welding though. The robotics side of it is kind of an on and off hobby.” It was a little bit of a stretch to call the hobby ‘on and off,’ but he was trying to focus more on his profession as of late, “I do tinker, though. Sometimes I’ll fix things like people's phones and smartwatches and stuff for spare cash.”   
“Thats cool,” John’s attention went back to his food. Dirk stretched.   
“I’ll go look for that table for you.”   
“Ok.”  
Dirk began to walk towards the hallway.   
“Oh, and thanks for breakfast. You didn’t have to cook for me, y’know.”   
Dirk shrugged. He barely considered making eggs to be cooking.  
“Eggs are easy, and I was already making some for myself. It’s no problem.”  
He entered his workshop and closed the door.   
It was littered with equipment and spare parts. A storage bin full of wheels and tracks and gears had been turned over from the last time he had been searching for a specific item. He really needed to clean. And do a rehaul of his entire storage system. But that was a problem for tomorrow’s Dirk. Today he had to find a table.   
His first guess was the walk-in closet by his desk.   
But his desk distracted him.  
His computer beckoned.   
He pulled up pesterchum.   
Jane still hadn’t responded. It was unlike her.   
Jake hadn’t either, of course. It would have been unlike him to.  
But one person had responded. 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TG: ok upd8  
TG: cept  
TG: not really  
TG: janes online but uh not rlly respondin to me  
TG: which i guess i didnt expect her to u kno  
TG: i didnt tell u this but even before jake took off we kinda had a big fight :(  
TT: You two had a fight?  
TG: oh hi dirk there u are  
TG: yeah id rather not go into it  
TG: i dont wanna accuse her of anything ofc shes my friend and i know this is just a lil bump in the road  
TG: but her silcence is a little sus  
TG: *silence  
TT: I don't want you to accuse her of anything.  
TT: Jane will come around.  
TG: i sure hope so  
TG: anyway did ur lil roommate move in ok?  
TG: rose has been keepin me updated lol  
TT: Yeah John's here and he's fine.  
TT: He sleeps like a fuckin' dead man though.  
TG: lol then hopefully u wont have too much trouble then!!  
TG: i wish i had a fun n funky roomie living by urself SUCKS  
TT: Actually, I'm currently supposed to be finding a table for him to use.  
TT: I should get back to that.  
TG: ok well have fun!!!

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

Dirk pushed himself away from his computer. If he didn’t force himself to now, he’d fall into an inescapable sinkhole of slightly more desperate messages to his other friends, and he was still just a little too proud to willingly let himself dive off the deep end.  
Besides, John needed a table.   
Dirk looked to the closet beside him. Thankfully it was more organized than the rest of the room, filled with a few shelves reserved for completed parts and projects, as well as a small shelf dedicated to figurines of small plastic horses. John would never get to see that, Dirk decided, completely, in that very moment.   
The black pop-up table was resting against some tubs along the back wall. It was probably big enough for a laptop and maybe a mouse or a notepad, and he hoped that was all John needed it for. It took a small effort to lift it out of place, but the real challenge was less about carrying it and more about making sure he didn’t knock anything over in the process.   
Thankfully, the only things he hit while exiting the room were bits of scraps still laying on the floor. He was about to open the door to his room when he heard frantic shuffling from the inside. He guessed John was done eating, so he knocked.   
“You decent?”  
A muffled “Yeah” responded from the other side of the door, so he entered. John was standing by his bed, still in the same clothes from last night. Some of his belongings--namely clothes, posters, and small electronics--were scattered on his bed. It didn’t look like he had been doing much organizing. Behind the security of his glasses, Dirk let his eyes travel across the rest of the room, particularly to his bookshelf. One of the manga looked to be haphazardly shoved in backwards. _Ah_ _.  
_ “I found the table,” Dirk said, shoving it out into the room from under his arm, “let me know if it’s too small, there's an Ikea nearby that I could take you to.”   
“No, this works,” John replied, taking the table from under his arms and beginning to prop it up, “Much bigger and this room would feel kinda cramped, right?”  
Dirk shrugged. He watched John fold out the table and begin to set some things on top of it. He felt an urge to take the moment and tease John about snooping, but he figured he’d save that for a later date where it would better convenience him. Maybe he would fuck with him a bit before then. John could snoop all he wanted, Dirk knew not to keep anything damnning in plain sight anyway.   
The table was assembled, but John still looked to be in some sort of indiscernible daze.   
“Hey, you ok?”  
That snapped him back to reality. He looked up to dirk as he plugged in his laptop charger.  
“Uh, yeah, why?”  
“You just seem out of it.”  
“Oh, uh,” John laughed a bit to himself, “I guess I’m tired, that's all. The past week has been… hectic.”  
Dirk nodded coolly.   
He knew that his issues probably couldn’t compare to John’s right now. Maybe the guy just needed space.   
He was never that good at comforting people, so he told himself that was the answer.   
“Alright, well,” Dirk sighed, “The food in the kitchen is a free-for-all. I’m probably going out tonight, so just feel free to take what you want. Make yourself at home, ok?”   
John nodded, “Thanks.”  
Dirk bit his lip. He didn’t know how else to help.   
He shut the door and prepared to head out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos and feedback!! I appreciate all of it! :')
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed the calm before the storm.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild but notable warning for John being a dumbass about Dirk's sexuality

John closed his eyes and just took a moment to feel the hot water running down his back. He held himself quietly, letting the sound of dripping water aid his thoughts as he watched the sudds flow down the drain. Was it strange that he felt so comfortable in the shower of a man he barely knew? He didn’t bother thinking about it. But he did certainly feel comfortable.   
He took his first shower last night after Dirk left to do… whatever Dirk did at night. He slept, and slept a good while, aided by feverish, animated dreams that he would barely remember once he was awake. He woke up, tired, and showed again. It just felt good. The warmth felt good, like he was being held. And as much as John hated to admit that, maybe it was what he needed.  
After what was probably entirely too long, he turned the water off. His drenched hair weighed down his head, and he watched the rest of the water flow down the drain.   
He ruffled his hair dry in a bath towel before putting on his fogged up glasses. After using the towel to wipe them off, he tied it around his waist and stepped out of the bathroom. He saw Dirk sitting in front of his laptop in the living space.   
“C’mere for a second,” Dirk waved him over.   
John followed along, and sat next to him on the couch to see what he was looking at.   
The image of his friend snickering on the screen shocked him.   
“R-rose!” John immediately grabbed a cushion to cover his bare chest, feeling the heat rise to his face. Rose just hid her face in her hand and laughed. Dirk stayed silent, but out of the corner of his eye John could see the corner of his lip upturned.   
“I didn’t know you two talked,” John exclaimed. This caused Rose to laugh more. Dirk failed at holding back a snort.   
“Dave would call you lucky,” he mumbled in reply.   
“Anyway, John, I’m glad to see that you are alive and... comfortable,” Rose adjusted her laptop screen, resulting in her image to shake, “I do hope Dirk has been treating you well.”  
John took notice of the suggestive eyebrow wiggle behind her last word, and he took notice of the way Dirk rubbed his temples at the sentence.   
“C’mon Rose, don’t scare him off from me,” he pouted.  
John suddenly felt Dirk’s arm around his shoulder. His face heated with the realization of a joke he wasn’t ‘in’ on.   
“Adorable,” Rose said.   
“How are things going with your new roommate?”  
John wasn’t aware that Rose had a new roommate. His heart sank a bit. Just how long had he been ignoring his friends?  
“Impeccable. Exquisite,” Rose put the back of her hand to her head and dramatically leaned back to imitate fainting, “Why, we’ll be making wedding preparations next week.”   
“That bad, huh?”   
“It could be worse. She seems very nice. She’s definitely intelligent. She just seems incredibly wrapped up in her own world. We rarely talk. When we do, well, it’s like holding on to a flighty bird.”  
“Maybe she’s just starstruck.”  
“You flatter me,” Rose groaned.  
John felt so out of the loop. Would it be rude to ask Rose about her roommate? To ask her how she was doing? He already felt like he was butting into a conversation he didn’t belong in. But Dirk’s hand kept him anchored. John felt Dirk’s abnormally high body heat radiating onto his bare skin. He didn’t know how to excuse himself, and his tongue was tied in his throat.   
“Well, regardless, I’m sure you two will start getting along.”  
“I know, it’s just hard to wait. How are you two doing, by the way?”  
Dirk answered first.  
“We’re doing fine,” he said. John suddenly felt the heat of his stare. He was pretty sure that if Dirk wasn’t wearing his glasses, he’d explode.   
There was a small moment of silence before Dirk removed his hand from John's shoulder.  
“Oh, yeah, we’re doing great,” John quickly blurted, “Sorry, I think I was just in a daze.”  
“I’m sure,” Rose replied, but it was clear by the tone of her voice and the skin scrunched between her brows that she was reading more into it.   
“Anyway,” John stood up, “I’m gonna go put some clothes on.”  
“Have fun,” Dirk said.  
“Don’t suffocate,” Rose added.   
John barely grumbled a sarcastic “thanks” as he wandered back to the room, rolling his eyes with a smile.   
As soon as he entered the room his smile dropped. A brief feeling of panic overwhelmed him. Had his life changed so much in the past week that he didn’t feel comfortable talking to Rose? Was it because Dirk was there? But he liked Dirk. Was it just because he was shirtless? He was sure he had talked to his friends after getting out of the shower before. Maybe he was just tired. Yeah. John placed a hand on his own chest and exhaled. The panic then quickly subsided.   
But a strain of uneasiness remained.   
He focused on getting dressed.  
When he was done, he looked over to Dirk’s bookcase.   
Should he be snooping? Probably not. But it was in a prankster’s genes to have the upper hand on their friends, family, and living-situation-acquaintances, and a prankster is what he needed to be right then. It gave him a spark.   
The bookshelf was a mixture of things. On the bottom shelf sat what John could only describe as a glorified psychology textbook, only it was written for people to read for _fun,_ somehow. Next to it were a few other manuels for things like general robotics, coding, and smartphone repair. Boring. John moved up a shelf.   
There were some dvd cases for different anime series, which didn’t come to him as a surprise. Dave had always mentioned his brother was really into that stuff. He thumbed through a few of the cases, hoping for something at least a little embarrassing. A catgirl on the cover. Some weird harem-looking thing. A blushing romance. No dice. They all looked to be very… action-y. Some were more macho and others were more fantasy-looking, but they all looked to be what John assumed were “normal animes” for a twenty-something-year-old male to watch.   
That was until he came across a box set for a children’s cartoon about colorful horses. John took out his phone and snapped a picture. Oh yes. Perfect. But the search wasn’t over.   
The next two shelves were mostly empty. John noticed the lack of dust; maybe Dirk’s ex had taken some things. He tried not to think about it.   
The top two shelves were mostly comics in the same vein as the anime. He had started looking through those yesterday, and just like then he wasn’t finding anything too exciting.   
John was about to pull away from his search when he spotted something poking out from under Dirk’s bed. It was so perfectly placed that it could have been planted. John squinted his eyes and looked to the door.   
Dirk was still outside chatting away with Rose. They were actually getting quite loud, but he couldn’t tell what they were talking about.   
John quickly swiped the book. No wires attached. No hidden camera attached. Just a book.   
Just a book with two men nearly smoochin on the front.   
Hell. Fucking. Yes.   
John immediately snapped a photo. Oh. This was great. This definitely fell into good ammo territory.   
But a mild curiosity tore into him.   
John looked both ways like a kid stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. The coast was clear. He chuckled and practically rolled back to his bed.   
He flipped open the cover. It was a bit of an adjustment for him to read the bubbles in the right order, but within a few pages he got the pattern down. Judging by the number printed on the spine of the book, it wasn’t the first volume. John knew it wouldn’t start at the beginning of the story, but it was still incredibly hard for him to follow. Something about some kids in an all-boys school? One of them knew magic for some reason? Or maybe he was like... a vampire or something? The title was just phonetics, and he was going in pretty blind.  
A knock on the door.   
“Are you decent?”  
John scrambled to hide the book under his pillow.   
“Yeah, come in.”   
Dirk pushed open the door, and stopped.   
John felt a traitorous bead of sweat roll down his face. He could never tell what Dirk was looking at from under his glasses. He was much better at hiding it than Dave was.   
Eventually Dirk just made his way to his bed, and sat atop it. Regardless of what he was actually looking at, he was at least looking in John’s general direction still.   
“Hey, are you ok?”   
John let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. So it was about that.   
“Yeah? I’m really just tired, honest.”  
Dirk cocked his head.   
“I mean, in general, you just seem a little… spacy. Do you want to… uh, talk about anything?”   
John’s mind went blank. He didn’t just want to shrug this off though, and be damned to silence for the rest of the night. He looked back to Dirk’s bookshelf, hoping for a shred of inspiration. The blank shelves caught his attention.  
“What was your ex like?” John blurted the question out before he could even think it through, and regretted it almost immediately by the way Dirk tensed up.   
“Uh, hmm.”   
“Sorry,” John put his hands out, “That was like, super rude of me to ask right?”  
“No, you’re good,” Dirk repositioned himself so that he could lean against the wall as he sat, “He was, uh, well, hm. How to describe him.”  
“Him?” John felt his stomach drop. Suddenly the book under his pillow was a whole lot less incriminating.   
Dirk just stared at him through the dark shades. It wasn’t until a few moments passed that John suddenly processed what he even said.   
“No, I mean, that’s fine? I think.” He banged his fist against his forehead, “Sorry, uh, continue.”   
Dirk had apparently made the executive decision to skip dwelling on that moment.   
“Dave only lived with me until the end of his freshman year of college,” Dirk started again, “After that he decided he wanted to try living in the dorms because, well, his scholarships were already paying for it, so he figured, ‘why the fuck not.’”  
John tried to listen intently.   
“So at that point I decide, hey, I’ll invite my best friend Jake to live with me, real great idea. It’s not like the guy doesn’t live halfway across the world and probably isn’t already scared shitless about moving here. Not to mention I have a giant thing for the dude, right? So I ask him to move in with me, and he does,” Dirk moved to lay down, making big motions with his hand to the ceiling, “It becomes apparent a few months in that I cannot just pretend to be friends with this guy. It’s real. Shit it going down. I ask him out. He accepts. I think I’m the happiest man in the world,” Dirk took in a breath, “And then nothing. One day I wake up and everything’s gone.”  
Dirk was laying on his back with his hands outreached to the ceiling. John was at a loss for words. Normally, he thought of himself as a good listener. He had given advice to his friends on these sorts of situations before. But John was exhausted. That uplifting energy felt depleted. He also felt Dirk wasn't looking for advice. What was he supposed to say without coming across as insensitive?  
“Shit,” was all he ended up saying.   
Dirk rolled over. The pointy shades he was wearing caught in the sheets. John was able to make out a single amber eye staring at him. It was like staring into the sun.  
John forced himself to stand up.   
“I’m, uh, gonna put in a tv dinner. Do you want one?” John knew he was being a shitty friend, but the information overload was like wasps in his brain. He didn’t know what to say or how to help without potentially coming across as downright offensive, so he’d rather come across as a dick.  
“Yeah, sure.” Dirk sat up and quickly corrected his glasses.   
They decided to eat microwave pasta together on the couch. The cook time gave John a moment to think about things. He remembered Dirk’s earlier conversation with Rose. How Dirk put his arm around him. It felt weird to him now, more so than it did in the moment. The gears were turning.   
“Do you have any idea why he left?” John asked.   
“Probably because I scared him,” Dirk said, “I’d rather not go into detail, if that's ok with you.”  
“Yeah, totally. We can, like, completely drop this if you want?”   
Dirk nodded.   
They ate their pasta watching an old crime movie on Dirk’s TV. It tasted bland and chalky in his mouth, but he hadn’t eaten all day and he was starving for it.   
John finished his food early and went back to the room as Dirk continued to watch the program. He pulled out the book from under his pillow. He didn’t waste time trying to understand the rest, and instead just flipped through and eyed the pictures. There wasn’t even any kissing--from what John could gather, the relationships were all just subtext. When Dirk entered the room he quickly shoved it back under his pillow.  
“Hey, I’m gonna turn the lights off and try to get some sleep, alright?”   
John just nodded and faked a yawn. He curled up on his mattress and tried to sleep.   
The feeling of Dirk’s hand on his shoulder kept pulling him awake.  
He knew in the forefront of his mind that it didn't matter. That he shouldn't care. It was a joke. His subconscious argued otherwise, each time he neared dozing off.  
Eventually he pulled out his phone and turned it on. The sudden brightness almost made him drop it on his face.   
John opened pesterchum. 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

EB: dave.  
TG: whats crackalackin  
EB: i think your brother is trying to flirt with me.  
EB: ...  
EB: dave?  
TG: what  
TG: what do you mean exactly  
EB: i mean earlier i saw this book and i'm like 99% sure he planted it for me to see.  
EB: it had two dudes smooching on it so i obviously thought it was porn, but it was just some weird romance comic i think?  
EB: also for some reason it was backwards.  
TG: oh my god  
EB: hehe i'm joking dumbass i know what anime is. :B  
TG: oh my god but with an even bigger sigh behind it  
EB: anyway, after that i asked him about his ex, and he told me a lot about him!  
EB: HIM, dave.  
EB: i mean it's not a problem but you didn't tell me that your brother was  
EB: you know  
EB: uh  
EB: i mean not that it matters i guess?  
TG: sorry i just didnt think about it  
TG: i assumed you knew i mean  
TG: i guess thinking about it now we never really had a reason to talk about it but i just assumed it had come up at some point  
TG: but anyway even if you didnt know i guess i just didnt think you would  
TG: care?  
EB: aw jeeze.  
TG: anyway the point is  
TG: just because hes gay doesnt mean hes flirting with you dude  
TG: thats kind of a shitty disposition  
TG: no offense  
TG: plus hes still recovering from a bad breakup i dont think hes gonna rebound on the guy he has to live with  
EB: no, i mean its not just that.  
EB: sorry, maybe i should have lead with this?  
EB: earlier he was facetiming rose, and so, like, i dropped in to say hi.  
EB: i didn't know that they even knew each other?  
TG: wow youre lucky they never shut up  
EB: anyway, rose started saying stuff like, well rose.  
EB: and i think she was trying to joke about my relationship with dirk?  
EB: dirk joked back but like, now i don't know how much of it was joking.  
EB: like i don't have a problem with  
EB: you know  
EB: but i just wanted to get your thoughts  
TG: oh my god john  
TG: i mean i can talk to him later but trust me  
TG: im sure its nothing ok  
TG: you should get some sleep  
TG: i gtg karkats wondering whats taking me so long and i dont think you want him getting nosy about this

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

John hummed to himself and threw his phone back onto the mattress. Dave was probably right; there wasn’t any real reason for him to get freaked out about this, it was just his tired mind trying to give him any reason not to sleep. He closed his eyes and nuzzled his head into the pillow. Tomorrow he’d focus on getting to know Dirk more as a person. His past relationship was only one aspect, and John felt that they didn’t need to dwell on that. At least, Dirk didn’t seem to want to dwell on that. Tomorrow he’d make it up to him for bringing it up. Yeah.   
John closed his eyes, letting the thoughts peacefully take him away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning for alcohol use

Dirk woke up later than he had wanted to. With how last night went, he had forgotten to set an alarm for the next morning. His natural clock wasn’t bad, but he would have to skip breakfast this morning. He shut off his phone and rolled over, preparing to get out of bed with a grunt.  
He nearly fell out of bed when he saw a lump under the covers in the bed across from him.   
John, right. He should have been used to his roommate by now. Jake was gone. John was living with him. Big deal. He wished he could reach into his mind and flip the proper switches to set himself straight on those facts. Easier said than done. Instead, he just forced himself to go to the bathroom and splash some water in his face. Waking up would help, he hoped.   
Except it wouldn’t. God, why was he so hung up on this? After the initial shock was over, he thought he was starting to do pretty alright. He thought the worst of it was over.   
Things weren’t even _going_ well with Jake, he tried to convince himself. Jake was _distant_. Jake was _oblivious_. He was pretty close to cutting things off himself. He wouldn’t have been surprised if, in another life, he would have actually done exactly what Jake had done. So why did it _bother_ him so much?  
It hit him as soon as he met his own eyes in the mirror.   
It was because he wasn’t in control.  
“Fuck.”  
He had to hold back from punching his reflection in the mirror at the realization. This was one he couldn’t as easily replace. And he didn’t need to be aggressive. He didn’t need _violence_ to be in control of _himself._ Most of all he didn’t need to wake John up. He didn’t need John to be--  
\--Uncomfortable. Last night. On the call with Rose. He made John uncomfortable. It had hit him on why as soon as he let the floodgates open about Jake. John hadn’t known. Dave never told him.   
_No._ Don’t blame Dave. _That was your fault._  
He pulled out a toothbrush.  
The floodgates about Jake? Yeah. John was talking to him about Jake. Maybe that’s why he felt so shitty this morning. John was the first person he really opened up to about it. At least, personally. Not when he could hide his eyes behind a screen.   
Dirk spit out the toothpaste into the sink. He cupped his hands to grab some water from the faucet.   
He was going to be late to work. Fuck it, he needed to check something. For peace of mind.  
Dirk ducked out of the bathroom and into his workshop.   
His monitor was blinking. His chest lit up. When he reached it, however, his chest turned into a void. 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TG: hey bro  
TG: now aint the time to ignore me  
TG: this is about your roomie situation  
TG: hello  
TG: ok whatever just make sure you respond while im still awake

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

The message was from around midnight last night. He highly doubted Dave was still awake. He really didn’t think he was in the mindset to deal with whatever Dave wanted to talk about anyway. That was a conversation for when he got home.   
He flipped to Jane's handle.  
Blocked. Still. He couldn’t even type in a message. Upon further investigation, Jake’s handle was in the same state.  
“Dammit.”   
He hadn't just lost a boyfriend, Dirk had lost two of his closest friends. That _hurt._ More than he was willing to admit. Not only that, but he ended up dragging another one of his best friends into the fray by asking for her help. He shouldn’t have said anything to her. She would have been mad when she found out herself, but it would have been the best route. She deserved better friends than just being stuck with him. Instead, he was weak. He had to put an end to what he started with that. Offer some damage control.  
He opened up Roxy’s chat. 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

TT: Hey.  
TG: ur up early!  
TG: work?   
TT: Yeah.  
TT: Anyway, I just wanted to pop in to say, you can stop worrying about Jake.   
TT: And Jane.  
TG: what?  
TT: I’m over it. They can have their secrets.  
TT: Frankly we haven’t exactly been doing anything to make the situation better by spamming them.  
TT: They aren’t ready to talk yet.   
TT: They may never be ready to talk, at least to me.  
TT: And that’s alright. So you should just let it go.  
TG: ok...  
TG: u might think u have a point  
TG: but im not gonna just drop dead and stop bein worried   
TG: i care about u  
TG: i also care about janey and jake even if theyre bein major BUTTS rn  
TG: im doing this for myself as much as u  
TG: you dont own me dirk  
TT: Yeah. You’re right.   
TT: I have to leave for work.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

He forced himself up from the short office chair. God.  
Dirk needed to get to work. He needed to focus on anything else.  
He rushed himself out of the apartment so fast he wasn’t even sure he had locked the door. Hopefully John wouldn’t fucking sleep though a robbery.   
He was starving when he entered the shop. Not eating breakfast took a toll on him. It also made him more susceptible to the overbearing weight of his own mind.  
His welds were shit the whole day.   
His coworkers gave him looks in the breakroom.  
He flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He was never good with people touching him. Not if he couldn’t see them, at least.   
“Hey kid, you doin’ ok?”  
“Fine,” Dirk replied. He turned around to face the person speaking to him--a coworker around the age of 40, give or take. Dirk hadn’t bothered to learn his name.   
“Me and a few of my buds are goin’ to Chuck’s tonight to grab a few drinks,” the man continued, despite Dirk’s apparent disinterest, “You look like you need a little unwindin’, so yer welcome to tag along.”  
“I don’t drink.” It wasn’t a complete lie. Dirk would occasionally have a few social beers for special occasions, but nothing more.   
One time Dave had invited him to a college party, since Dirk never got to properly experience the phenomenon himself. He got wasted, and _hated_ it. He woke up with only fragmented memories. Memories that he couldn’t rewrite, that he couldn’t overwrite. It was a terrible feeling. He didn’t like feeling like he wasn’t in control of himself.   
The second and last time he got that drunk was the night Jake left. He wasn’t going to let it happen again. At least, not so soon.  
“Well, if you change yer mind, let me know. We might go t’morrow too.”  
At the end of the night Dirk went home. He ate a tv dinner as John showered.   
He didn’t want to ask John if he just woke up. He doubted John even knew he was home.  
He looked to his workshop and winced. He should message Dave back. No, he _would_ message Dave back. He could do it. He just decided to. He would. It was going to happen.   
He sat on the couch and pulled out his phone. Pesterchum’s notifications didn’t show until he opened the app. When it loaded up and there was nothing new, he couldn’t do anything but blame himself for expecting more. He tapped on Dave’s handle. 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: What.  
TG: holy shit took you long enough  
TG: whatever ok  
TG: so  
TG: what do you think about john  
TT: I mean, he is a fine roommate. He stays out of the way and does his own thing most of the time.  
TT: I caught him going through my stuff the other day, but i got him back for that, so I think we're even.  
TG: i mean like  
TG: do you like him  
TG: like-like  
TT: ...  
TT: Jesus Christ, Dave. We aren't in middle school. You're 21.  
TG: yeah anyway  
TT: No, Dave. I do not "like-like" John.  
TT: I'm not here to spirit away your childhood crush.  
TG: thats not  
TG: hes straight as a whistle  
TG: i mean im straight  
TT: Mhmm.  
TG: the point dirk  
TG: anyway i guess thats good enough of an answer  
TT: Listen, Dave.  
TT: After what happened, I've made myself a policy. Would you like to hear it?  
TT: One. No dating people I live with. Especially if they are straight.  
TT: That's it, Dave. That's the whole policy.  
TT: I fucked up with Jake.  
TT: I fucked up because I asked him out when he was bound by contract to live with me.  
TT: In hindsight, that was a really dick move, Dave.  
TT: I coerced him into trying shit he wasn't ready for before I even knew for sure that he swung that way.  
TT: He was probably just fuckin' scared. Jake is a people-pleaser and he had to live with me. I held the power. I basically forced that relationship on him.  
TT: I fucked up, okay?  
TT: I'm a terrible fucking person.  
TT: But I'm not about to make the same mistake.  
TT: This kid is your friend, and I don't need him to hate me.  
TT: Fuck that, I don't want to hurt him.  
TT: I'm sick of hurting people.  
TG: woah  
TG: dirk

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Dirk stared at his phone for the next few seconds. He debated slamming it down onto the table. 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TG: dont fucking close our chat  
TG: dirk do you need to talk about this  
TG: im here for you you know that right bro?

Dirk slammed his phone down on the table. Fuck, he was crying. They weren’t sad tears. They were frustrated ones. He lifted up his glasses and wiped them away as John exited the bathroom. John looked like he wanted to say something, but Dirk shot him a look that he hoped conveyed that he wasn’t walking to talk. Dirk saw John intake a breath and head back to the bedroom.  
He put on the television and tried to cling onto the plot of whatever show that popped up. It wasn’t hard. With the rise of streaming, most of the shows that still aired on the channels he watched were manufactured to hook the attention of as many people as they could, even more so than before. They were desperate.   
Dirk wished he wasn’t.  
John didn’t talk to him that night.  
The next night he took his coworker up on his offer. They left his car in the parking lot of the shop and rode shotgun in his coworker’s pickup.   
Chuck’s was a small hole-in the wall bar. Most of the customers were big, burly. Dirk didn’t think of himself as small, but he really didn’t feel like he belonged there. He didn’t feel like he was _welcome._   
His coworker’s “buddies” sat on either side of him, shoving him into the other with every joke they made. Dirk wasn’t paying attention. He didn’t laugh.   
“What’s gotcha down, kid?”  
It had been a long time since Dirk should have been called a “kid.” He felt it patronizing.   
“An ex,” he wasn’t sure why he told the truth. Dirk looked down to his glass of whisky, as if blaming it.   
“Aw buddy,” The man to the left of him slapped his back with a little more force than he was comfortable with, but he wouldn’t let that show, “Don’t think about ‘er. I’ve ‘ad my run-in with a few real bitches before,” he let out a chuckle, and Dirk wondered how he could possibly believe he was helping, “if she left ya thats ‘er loss. You d’serve better anyway.”   
“Mhmm,” Dirk took another sip.   
They teased him for a bit for being a slow drinker. Dirk zoned out again, going through a few more drinks. Eventually they stood up, and it startled him back into paying attention.   
“Hey, you comin’?”  
Dirk put his hand up to signal he was ok. When they still didn’t leave, he responded, “I’ll call an uber.”   
That seemed to satisfy them. With the seats next to him empty he felt like he could finally relax. Dirk called the bartender over for another drink.   
The bartender looked down to Dirk, “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”  
“I can handle my liquor,” Dirk responded with cold, sober-sounding confidence.   
By the time the bartender eventually did cut him off, his mind was swirreling. He was a convincing drunk, and he knew it.   
His facade was over as soon as he stood up to leave, nearly nosediving to the floor before catching himself.   
“Fuck.”   
His stomach twisted, and threatened to spill over the floor.   
No.   
He had more dignity than to spill his guts in a public bar.   
He felt the eyes of the patrons around him. They were looking at him. He knew it. He felt heat and a smile rise to his face, before standing up straight and throwing his hands into his jean pockets. If people were watching, he wouldn’t be afraid to show off.   
He tried to transfer that smug energy to his feet as he took a step, then another. The stares burned into the back of his head. They were waiting for him to mess up, to fall on his ass. Another step. No, he was going to own this moment.   
That was the only way he could _force_ himself to _enjoy_ it.  
So he did.   
Dirk made his way out of the bar and onto the street. His smile immediately dropped. Fuck, it was dark. How long was he in there? Dirk pulled out his phone. It didn’t even process for him to check the time as he slid past the lock screen, and opened the uber app.   
The time between getting in the car and him stumbling his way back to the apartment seemed to fly by. Dirk chuckled to himself as he fumbled with the key to the apartment and entered.   
He made his way back to the bedroom.  
He did a double take at the man already asleep in one of the beds.   
There was someone there. Right there. He wasn’t alone. Jake?   
Dirk approached the bed. No. Jake moved out. Dirk made him run away.   
Dirk looked down at the man in the bed. But this person was still here. This person hadn't run away. He was here. He was real, and he was here. Holy shit. Dirk’s mind wasn’t wanting to process that.  
He was scared. Scared that this person would run away. But glad that he was still here. God, why was he so confused about this?   
His heart ached. He started to cry again. Fuck, no. He couldn’t cry. He was stronger than that.   
No, he was weak. He owed it to himself to admit that.   
Dirk lifted up the covers to the bed. The man under them stirred softly.   
“Hey… What’er’y…” The mumbled words were barely audible.   
Dirk crawled in beside him. Suddenly the man jumped to life, but Dirk already had his arms around him, face buried in his back.   
“Dude, what--”  
“I just wanted to make sure you were still here.”   
And Dirk was out like a light. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	7. Chapter 7

The first day Dirk went to work, it caught John off guard. He knew Dirk had a job, it just didn’t feel relevant to him until he found himself alone in the apartment, not hearing the tv or the shuffling. Dave was between jobs and got by through… _whatever_ he did on the internet, so he was never really completely alone when he was staying there. Dirk had gone out the other day, but was only for an hour or so, and John basically stayed in his room the whole time. Now, for what felt like the whole day, he would be alone. Alone in an unfamiliar place. Alone in a strange apartment. John sighed and sat up in his bed. He wondered what time it was. When he felt his phone buzz on the mattress, he jumped.  
His first thought was his father.   
Whenever John had to stay somewhere for school, or had to be alone in the house for a few days, his father had always texted to check on him.   
He grimaced. He thought that his time being stuck alone in his house after the accident would have swept away those thoughts. There were constant reminders that he was really alone. But, he supposed, maybe being here was enough of a distraction for his subconscious to wander back to those ideas--those ideas that life was just a really bad dream he could wake up from, and then he’d finally be happy and at home with his dad.   
John reached for his phone to distract him.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: hey i tried to talk to dirk and i was even gonna be all subtle and shit but the dude didnt even respond to me  
TG: if hes back in his funk of ignoring everyone it might take a while for me to gather some cold evidence  
TG: but screw evidence im your best bro and also his brother  
TG: so really you dont gotta worry man just take my word for it ok  
EB: ok jeeze dave, i trust you.  
TG: wow sunshine youre up early  
EB: uh. not really? it's like, noon dude.  
TG: uh when you were at my apartment you nearly slept in until like four "dude."  
TG: anyway im glad that youre starting to feel better  
TG: i mean that  
TG: karkat was really worried about your sleeping habits but i told him youd bounce back  
TG: so now im not a liar  
TG: ill tell him and well celebrate with drinks in your honor  
TG: "john egbert isnt a human sloth"  
TG: and well clink glasses that we cant afford and itll be fancy as fuck  
TG: one time ill talk to him more about jade then the dude will really be concerned  
EB: wait, you haven't told him about jade???  
TG: i dont think you grasp the concept that me and him didnt talk until this week  
EB: come on, i'm sure you've had conversations before!  
TG: no offense john but he didn't even know who you were until you were already on my couch for like his entire shift  
TG: im serious i thought he hated me until you showed up so  
TG: uh  
TG: thanks for that  
EB: i'm happy i helped! even if i don't really know what i did?  
TG: pfft  
TG: anyway  
TG: lesson review  
TG: dont worry about my brother  
TG: just focus on getting yourself sorted out ok  
EB: thank you.  
TG: ok i gotta go  
TG: karkat is apparently under the impression that ive never cooked a meal and i mean i guess based on ones definition of "a meal" hes not entirely wrong  
TG: so were going shopping for ingredients and im supposed to be getting dressed right now  
EB: oh. well have fun!  
TG: thanks  
TG: talk to you later  
EB: yeah! bye.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

John sat his phone down on the mattress and stretched. He was feeling good today. The thought of food sounded good; maybe he would actually cook something; he used to make food with his dad--  
Right. That was why he hadn’t cooked a meal yet.   
John exited the room with nothing on but his boxers and a loose pajama shirt. He wasn’t going to get dressed if he had the apartment to himself for at least a few hours. He was going to shower later anyway, so there was no use dirtying clothes now.   
He found his way to the fridge and started moving things around, and then the cabinet, until he found a box of nutritional cereal that didn’t look disgusting. He found a bowl, poured himself some, and then topped it off with milk.   
John sat down in front of the tv and started flipping through channels. Dirk apparently didn’t have any sort of streaming account. He didn’t have a smart tv or any of the fancy boxes or sticks, actually, so even if John wanted to plug in his own login credentials he couldn’t, so he was limited to whatever was currently airing.   
At least Dirk and Jake hadn’t lost a Netflix account in the breakup.   
John eventually settled on an old noir movie playing on one of the various “throwback” channels. Even though it was the middle of the film, it was easy enough for him to follow for the remainder. He actually found himself getting pretty wrapped up. The cereal was gone pretty fast.   
When the credits started rolling, only to be pushed to the side by commercials, John let out a sigh. He stood up, rinsed the bowl off in the sink, before walking back to his room and checking his phone. Barely an hour had passed. He still had a lot of time to kill. He could find something to work on--come up with a project of some sort, look for jobs online. He could actually bother to do some research on the area. Maybe he could go out and drive somewhere.   
Even though he was feeling better, he lacked the drive to put out that kind of effort. He just wanted to relax. But relaxing wasn’t productive, and he didn’t just want to spend his whole day in front of a television screen, letting some channel executive assign him his next movie to watch.  
John looked over to Dirk’s shelf. Maybe he would pick out something there to read or watch. None of it looked particularly interesting the first time John had looked through it though, and if any of that was anything like the book he had stashed under his pillow…  
John proceeded to pull out the book and look at the cover.  
...Yeah, he was pretty sure it wouldn’t hook him.  
Dirk had to have better stuff, but there wasn’t a whole lot of space to really hide things in an apartment like this. Maybe he’d try his workshop. John had yet to step foot in there, as he was sure it was some sort of breach of privacy, but maybe right now it was warranted by his sheer level of boredom.   
John took his phone off the charger and threw the book back under Dirk’s bed before he wandered down the hall.   
He opened the workshop expecting maybe a few desks and some small remote-controlled-arms like he used to make in robotics in high school. Maybe some of them would even be screwed onto a little plate with wheels.   
John had severely underestimated Dirk, however.  
“Holy shit.”  
To start, it was a mess. There were tubs of wires and gears and little metal parts everywhere. But what caught John’s immediate attention were the _faces_. There were more than a handful of robotic, skeletal facial structures sitting on the table. Some of them were more recognizably human, others were simpler or unfinished. A good portion of them had creepy, exposed eyeballs or fake human lips. His eyes moved down the line, and he spotted some red fabric draped over the edge of the table. Christ. It looked like he murdered and dissected a fucking Tickle-Me-Elmo.   
This was more than simple “on-and-off” hobby robotics. These looked like… Animatronic puppets? There were a few unfinished simple skeletal structures, some parts that were recognizable as arms and even hands. Next to the closet was a computer, with some adapters hooked up to the tower.   
John made his way to the closet. On the door, he noticed a lock. It didn’t match the rest of the apartment, so he guessed Dirk had installed it himself. John tried opening the door anyway, but to no avail.   
Well, fuck that. He already had enough sights to fuel his nightmares for a month.   
He slammed the door.   
In the end, John just ended up wasting a couple hours scrolling through social media before hopping in the shower.   
Dirk’s shower was amazing. It was a little compact, but the water pressure was perfect. The hot water seemed like it would never run out. He sighed. He’d pay the water bill, just to make sure Dirk never worried about this.   
John was definitely in there for longer than he should have been. But it made him feel safe. He wrapped his towel around his waist. The sound of a slam from outside almost surprised him enough to drop it.   
John exited the bathroom. He looked down to the living room. Dirk was home. He was sitting alone on the couch, his glasses were pushed up, resting atop his head. He was rubbing his eyes. Was he crying? John opened his mouth right as Dirk looked up to him.  
It was a piercing glare. Feral. Frightening. Once again, it was like staring into the sun… But the pain it gave was different. It still forced John to look away with a breath. He turned and walked back to the bedroom. He tried to get dressed in pajamas as quickly as possible in case Dirk came in, in case he needed sleep.   
He turned off the lights and waited in his bed, scrolling through various social media. He noticed that he was already starting to get local targeted ads, and it creeped him out a little.   
Eventually Dirk wandered in and sat on his bed. He looked like he was contemplating something. John shut off his phone.   
Dirk didn’t talk to him that night.   
By the time John woke up, he was gone again. He once again felt his phone buzz with a message from Dave. 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: hey you awake  
EB: yeah, i actually just woke up.  
EB: are you synced into my brain or something?  
EB: no wait, this is probably still a dream.  
EB: let me guess, you're a robot that's going to try to download my brain. in the next few seconds you will jump out of my phone screen, a legitimate dave-bot, and tackle me to the ground.  
EB: i will scream for help and then i will wake up for-real.  
TG: dude wtf  
EB: i saw your brother's work room.  
EB: i can respect his work, but they are very creepy!  
EB: the robots, i mean.  
TG: oh  
TG: yeah thatll do it  
TG: speaking of my aforementioned brother  
TG: can you like check on him today  
EB: well, he is at work right now.  
TG: when he gets home then  
TG: i dont know i just get the feeling hes starting to go off the deep end without jake  
TG: he finally responded to me yesterday and usually thats a good sign but that particular time it wasnt because he kind of seemed to be going a little bonkers in a not-normal way and its honestly got me a little worried  
TG: i know he wont respond to me but he cant ignore you  
EB: yeah sure.  
TG: thanks  
EB: is there anything else you wanted to talk about?  
EB: oh! how did your cooking with karkat go?  
TG: it went fucking amazing bro we made the best god damn pasta olive garden can not compete  
TG: dude i will bring some over to you next time i make it  
TG: i will make you cry before my culinary skills  
EB: haha well i'm glad it went good!  
EB: i'm glad you two are getting along as well :B  
TG: yeah its honestly pretty great  
TG: oh rose just messaged me  
EB: ohhh, what about?  
TG: i dont know she says she needs to call me  
TG: its a "surprise"  
TG: scares the shit out of me coming from her  
EB: i'll let you go then. you better visit me soon and bring me some food when you do!  
TG: yeah you bet  
TG: later

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

John set his phone down and began to go about his day. It went much like the day before, except John picked a random dvd case off of Dirk’s shelf instead of wasting time flipping through the television channels.   
It was nice to just relax and watch something mindless. He spent the day watching a bunch of superhero anime children kick ass. The story twists were mildly predictable to him, but the action scenes and characters were enough to grip him for at least a few hours. They were all just middle-schoolers, they were _dumb_ , but they were charming. Something about consuming media like this always gave him conflicting feelings. On one hand, a bunch of children being able to save the world was inspiring; if children could do this, then _he_ could do anything. On the other, these kids were saving the world and he was doing _nothing_. He knew it was just a cartoon, a piece of fiction, but it still got to him on a slightly more-than-subconscious level. He hummed as the disc whirred in the player between each episode.  
Eventually John had enough of the underage-talking-grape-child making sex jokes, and turned off the tv. He looked down to his phone. Holy shit, that was more than just a “few hours.”   
Dirk would be heading home soon, assuming he had the same shift as yesterday. John gathered the bowl and empty chip bag from the coffee table, cleaning the former and tossing the latter.   
He decided to take a shower. By the time he got out, Dirk still wasn’t back.   
John returned to his room and once again pulled out his phone. 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

EB: dave!  
TG: oh hey  
TG: im kinda busy rn but whats up  
EB: oh, sorry.  
EB: it's just that your brother isn't home and i'm bored :/  
TG: wait what do you mean hes not home  
EB: what do you want me to say to that?  
TG: idk i just mean  
TG: he didnt take a late shift and he doesnt like working overtime  
TG: and he doesnt drink and he doesnt have friends  
TG: shit that sounded mean  
TG: i mean he doesnt have like work friends all of his coworkers are like weird old hicks  
TG: so im just a little concerned  
EB: i'm sure he's fine! dirk looks like he can handle himself?  
TG: no youre right on the money there dirk can definitely kick some ass if he needs to  
TG: im more worried about him like  
TG: mentally  
EB: oh.  
EB: what exactly did he say to you that got you worried?  
TG: its nothing  
TG: no offense dude but its not my business to spill  
TG: but  
TG: hm  
EB: hm?  
TG: its nothing dont worry about it ok  
TG: ill have rose message him  
TG: but anyway  
EB: you've got to go, you've got to go! i get it.  
TG: yeah sorry for always cutting our conversations short these days  
TG: should be able to make up for it soon  
EB: ?  
TG: youll see

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

John felt unease begin to stir in his stomach as he set his phone back on the charger. Maybe he would try to hit the hay a little early tonight. His hair was still slick and wet, so after sliding on some boxers he frantically tried to capture as much moisture as he could with the towel. It was only partially helpful. He folded up the towel and set it on top of the pillow, and crawled into bed. He wasn’t really tired, just bored, and so it took a while for sleep to start to grip him. When it finally did, however, he was quick to succumb.   
In the middle of the night, something stirred him, pulling him from a dream that quickly deteriorated into no more but waves of color. He felt warmth being pulled away. It was sudden, and he was still mostly asleep, but the subtle persuasion of consciousness began filling his mind.  
“Hey… What’er’y…” The words he mumbled felt like an overwhelming echo to him, but he knew it was probably barely audible.   
There was a subtle dip in the mattress beside him. A shaking, uncertain breath. John could smell hints of alcohol.   
Something was wrong.   
Then there was a warmth against his back. His tired state stunted his movement. Dirk.   
He felt Dirk’s arm slide under him and brush his waist. Consciousness hit him like a wiffleball bat.   
“Dude, what--”   
“I just wanted to make sure you were still here.” The words were spoken into his bare spine with the gentle hum of vibrating overtones. It gave him shivers, despite the hot breath that came with it. And, despite the stench of alcohol, the words were clear.   
Before John could flip, he felt Dirk’s breath turn rhythmic, occasionally hitching as his breath caught in the back of his throat--the bare threats of a snore. He was asleep. The realization gave him time to reflect on the rest of the words he said.   
Did Dirk mistake him for Jake? Probably. He couldn’t think of another explanation, so that had to be it. Right? Right.  
He shouldn’t disturb him. Dirk wasn’t doing anything _obscenely_ weird, so John supposed there was no harm in letting him sleep through the fantasy. He closed his eyes.   
He didn’t want to admit to himself how good it felt to be held; how much he probably needed it.   
He certainly wouldn’t admit in the morning how it was the most restful night of sleep he had had since the accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for referencing That Guy; I feel like Dirk's taste in anime is probably more niche, but also I don't watch a lot of anime that isn't just popular stuff I throw on in the background, so I literally could not think of anything else. My feelings about anime very much reflect John's here in that sense.
> 
> Also, thank you for all the comments! I'm absolute shit at responding to things personally because I can never think of what to say, but I promise that I read and get excited about every single comment that I'm left. If I could kudos comments I would. <3
> 
> Also, please consider going to read [We Don't Need an Adventure](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22029445/chapters/52573942) by Sam_I_Am/Chloe_Hallow_Eve if you haven't yet! Its a great, very pure/wholesome DirkJohn fic that JUST had its final update. It's 15 chapters of very cute, gripping content. Couldn't recommend it enough :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna wait to post this until I had built up my backlog a bit more, but today has hurt a lot for a lot of people and I feel like we could all use a bit of a distraction.

The world was pounding. It closed in on him, threatening to tear his brain at the seams and pull the flesh apart in a thousand different directions. A feeling in his subconscious screamed, and it sent shocking echoes through his brain, from the stem to a spot right between his eyebrows. He hadn’t been this hungover since the first time he ever got drunk.   
Dirk tried to move his right arm to cover his eyes--he knew he didn’t want to face any hint of light--but felt a weight stop it. It was at that moment when he became conscious of his left arm, slung over something--no, some _one_.   
Dirk went as still as a dead man. His first thought was the bar last night. He didn’t remember seeing anyone there that he would have found particularly attractive, but that didn’t rule much out considering he barely remembered _anything_. It certainly didn’t rule out the idea that someone didn’t grab his drunk ass and take him home with them. He focused hard on himself. The only pain he felt was still in his head… That was unlikely.  
He risked opening his eyes. Ah. That was someone’s back. Someone’s _bare_ back. Fuck.   
He was so close that he couldn’t really look down at himself to see if he was wearing anything. With strained eyes, he _was_ able to peek at his shoulder though, and saw the hint of his sleeve. It was the biggest sigh of relief Dirk had ever heard escape his own mouth.   
Dirk tried his best to subtly shimmy his arm out from under the person he was laying with without waking them. As he worked, his surroundings became slightly more apparent to him. This was his room, despite it currently smelling like the world’s worst concoction of sweat, musk, and alcohol. And that meant one thing: John.   
_God, this is so fucked up._ He scrunched up his nose and brows, angry at himself. The pain in his head was too overbearing for him to dwell on it for too long. His palm was right under John’s waist, and he was almost on the edge of the tiny bed. He hoped he would have time to shimmy out, get a drink of water, and sober up before John woke up. This was a lot to process, and a conversation to happen _later._  
A knock on the front door.  
Panic.   
Dirk lost his balance and in a flurry of confusion reached out to whatever he could grab; namely, both of John’s sides.   
“Holy shit--”   
John flailed, suddenly very awake and vocal, pushing Dirk off the bed. With his iron grip, though, it didn’t stop John from joining him. Dirk felt the wind get knocked out of him.  
“Holy shit dude are you ok?”  
Dirk felt like he was dead. He wished he was dead. His whole body was pounding. He felt like his consciousness was collapsing from the inside, after being hit by a freight train.   
Instead of answering, Dirk just gave out a small groan and kept his eyes closed.   
He heard a second knock. This time John must have heard it too, because he sat up and got off of Dirk. Immediately he started shuffling frantically around the room, probably to put on clothes. When Dirk did open his eyes, he saw a fully-clothed-John’s hand reaching down to him. He hesitantly took it.   
John must have had some strength, because he soon found himself back on his feet with ease.   
“Do you want me to get the door or you?”  
Dirk groaned and headed out of the room and towards it without answering. He didn’t even bother looking for his glasses first. He couldn’t begin to imagine the type of person that would knock on his door, much less this early. He was still half-asleep, in pain, and couldn’t connect his thoughts from the previous night. He just hoped he could open the door and the person knocking would realize they had the wrong apartment.   
He forced open the door with a huff.   
“Oh.”  
When he opened the door he saw Rose’s smile drop. Behind her was his astonished brother, and… Some stout-looking dude with wild hair he didn’t recognize.  
“You look like shit,” noted the stout-looking dude he didn’t recognize. He gritted his teeth and groaned.   
“No wonder you weren’t returning my calls, it looks like you fell asleep in a ditch!” Rose pushed past him and into the apartment. Dave followed before giving him a concerned look. The rude one followed after giving him a judging glare.   
Dirk turned back to the inside of his apartment to see a very surprised John sitting on the couch with a glass of water.   
“Dave and Karkat had to pick me up from the airport all by themselves,” Rose sighed, and sat beside John like this all was a totally normal thing happening.  
“You let John move in with a fucking alcoholic?” The shouty man--Dirk assumed his name was Karkat--was shouting at Dave, currently ignoring anything Rose was saying.   
“He’s not--” Dave began, before Rose continued.  
“Sorry, John,” She put her hand on his shoulder and he dropped the glass of water in his hand, spilling it over the carpet. God what a clusterfuck. “We were planning to open the door with a big ‘surprise,’ but I guess our timing was a little off.”  
“Rose?” John looked like he was staring at a ghost.   
“You know, most people start with ‘hello’ and ‘can I come in,’” Dirk interjected as his brain started to catch up with the situation.   
Right.   
Rose had called him a few days ago. She had mentioned that, with John in Texas, she wanted to try to meet up with her friends over the weekend so that they could all hang out together for the first time. It was supposed to be a surprise. Dirk had been all-in on the plan--considering she was going to be staying with him, after all--but his phone must have died at some point during the night and his alarms never went off. That didn’t distract from the fact that he had completely forgotten. He was so wrapped up in his own head for the past two days that it slipped his mind entirely.  
He placed his hand on his pounding head and groaned.   
“Yeah, well, most people don’t smell like human fucking feces when they answer the door for expected guests,” Karkat retorted. Damn. Dirk wished he hadn’t ignored all of Dave’s messages about his roommate. He could really use the ammo right now.   
He watched Dave just put his hands on Karkat’s shoulder and give him a… look. Dirk wasn’t totally sure what the look was _intended_ to be, and he looked kind of constipated, but it caused Karkat to roll his eyes and sit on the other side of John. Him and Rose began happily chatting away over the poor man, who seemed to still be desperately trying to grasp what was exactly happening.   
Dirk turned his attention back to Dave, who shrugged his head over towards the bedroom. Dirk rubbed at his temple before following.   
He didn’t even have a chance to open his mouth before Dave started jumping with questions.  
“Are you ok?”  
Dirk opened his mouth to respond, but was quickly overruled.  
“I know you don’t drink, bro. And I know you zone out sometimes, but you never bail on important shit like this,” Dave was visibly upset, listing things off with his fingers as he leaned on the door, “Like, you always come in clutch, you always _have_ , and it's not--”   
Dave cut himself off, his gaze lingering behind him.   
“Is that John’s bed?”   
Dirk spun around and looked at the mattress behind him. Ah, shit. His shades. Dave strutted past him and picked them off from their spot beside the pillow, turning to look at Dirk with a disgusted face as he held them up. Despite his sunglasses and his stoic facade, he was probably the most expressive person Dirk knew, and he hated him for that. He hated the way the look pierced through his heart because of it.  
Dirk just sighed and sat on his bed across the room.   
“Look, I can explain, if you just,” he took in a deep breath to steady himself, the delayed churning in his stomach hitting him from sitting so quickly, “give me a second.”   
Dave grimaced, “Ok bro, one second. On the clock. You ready?”  
Dirk could tell it was the beginning of a long-winded joke, but the way he cut himself off meant he was actually serious about it. He tried thinking of ways he could spin this. Ways he could get Dave to stay _out_ of his problems. He didn’t need people coming in trying to _fix_ him. He could handle the situation himself, he could deal with this. He didn’t need to drag more people into his life, into his problems.   
“I’ve decided to take up drinking,”  
“Oh fuck off, dude.”  
Dave started to stomp towards him. It was a low, determined, threatening walk. The kind that he remembered Dave using on their brother when he was trying to seem big. Except Dave _was_ big now, and it came across as a threat. Shit, wrong way, time to correct.   
“That was a joke,” Dirk elaborated, with the same monotone voice.   
Dave grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up. Shit. He was still strong.  
“What did you do to John,” his words came through gritted teeth. Dirk couldn’t hide behind his shades. He felt exposed.   
“Nothing, I did nothing. You can ask him, fuck.” Dirk felt himself fall back on the bed. He watched Dave grab his own hand and look at it, like he couldn’t believe he just did that.   
“Look, a coworker invited me out. I don’t normally drink, so I didn’t know how to handle my alcohol. The bartender never cut me off.” Dave was still staring at his hand, not him, so his eyes wouldn’t give away the half lie. He didn’t need his brother knowing that it was intentional. Dave looked up to him then, so he continued, “I don’t remember what happened when I came home, but my clothes were still on and John wasn’t freaked, so I assume I just collapsed in his bed on accident. That’s the only logical conclusion, I’ve thought it over. You can smell my damn shirt if you don’t trust me, I didn’t just throw this on this morning.”   
Dave lifted his aviators so he could show Dirk he was squinting his eyes. He knew Dave well enough to know he believed him, but that didn't mean he liked the answer, either.  
“I’m being serious, Dave. I meant what I said the other night.”   
Dave sighed and dropped the shades. He took Dirk’s shades, folded up in the collar of his shirt, and tossed them over. Dirk put them on as soon as he could. The darkness certainly helped with the headache.   
“You aren’t off the hook,” Dave said.   
Dirk groaned and fell back on the mattress. He felt it dip as Dave sat beside him.   
“What compelled you to go out last night,” it was a demand more than a question.  
“I don’t believe I’m _compelled_ to tell you anything, dear brother.”  
“I’m not gonna psycho-analyze you like Rose. Fuck, I’m not gonna be able to tell you anything you can’t come up with yourself,” Dave sighed, “But you aren’t a burden to me, so I wish you’d stop treating yourself like one. You deserve--”  
“Don’t tell me what _I_ deserve,” Dirk snapped.   
“Fine!” Dave countered, “Then _I_ deserve to hear from my own brother every once in awhile, and for him to be _real_ with me!”  
Dirk snapped his jaw shut.   
“I’m here for you,” he was quieter this time, “I just wish you’d keep me in the loop since I moved out.”   
“That’s fair.” Dirk couldn’t argue.  
“Hmm,” Dave was trying to cool down, regain his composure, “You still gotta make it up to the others. I can only do so much damage control with Karkat,” he stood up, “And Rose really put a lot of planning into this.”  
“I’ll salvage this,” Dirk said as he sat up. Out of the corner of his vision he saw the corner of Dave’s mouth turn up in a subtle smile.   
“Fuck yeah you will,” He said, “Go take a shower and I’ll talk with the others. We’re going out to eat.”   
“Go get ‘em tiger,” Dirk grunted as he stood up. Dave gave him a thumbs up as he left the room.   
God, he needed to get his life together. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4/13! What better way to celebrate than for John to go out to eat with some friends :)

They went out to lunch at a small, independent restaurant with an outdoor patio. John had to admit that it felt nice to eat outside and take in the fresh air for once. It had been a while since he just took time to be out in the sun, and to feel the wind. The feeling was enhanced under the blaze of the Texas sun. He had heard Rose complaining about it, but the heat of the day just highlighted the breeze flowing through the streets. It was nice.   
He looked over his shoulder as he slowly munched on a fry. Past the iron fence that closed in the patio, there was bustling foot traffic of Friday afternoon shoppers anticipating their weekend. Some of them were obviously college kids, or even high schoolers. Some were elderly couples walking hand in hand. Others had their dogs on leashes, having to force them past the restaurant as their noses turned up at the scent of food. It was nice seeing people, being around people.   
“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”  
John heard the voice come through the speakers of Rose’s phone. He was sitting at the table with Dirk, Dave, Karkat, and Rose. Rose, having thought it fitting, had decided to videocall Jade so she could theoretically be “with” them in the absurd friend-reunion. It was a little awkward, with Dirk and Karkat not really knowing much about her, but the conversation still flowed naturally enough with the only exception being for when the call would cut out.   
Rose laughed, “Sorry, like I said, this was very much on a whim.”  
“Still! I could have at least tried to fly over!”  
John smiled and leaned over so that he was better in the sight of the phone’s camera.   
“Jade, it’s a lot easier to travel from different states than different countries, especially where you live,” he laughed, “I promise we’ll get to meet up eventually!”   
“Augh, I know, I’m just....” John saw her taking the ends of her hair and squeezing, “I’m just a little jealous!”   
“If it makes you feel any better,” Dirk set his fry down, an empathetic smile on his face, “half of my friends won’t even talk to me, so there's that.”  
An awkward silence would have spread over the table, but it was masked by the sound of Karkat’s laughter. Dave elbowed him a little harder than was necessary.   
“Anyway,” Dave began, “How are classes going? You’re taking some over the summer, right?”   
“Oh yeah, they’re going great!” Jade smiled, previous sorrow gone, “It's nice to be able to get some of those random requirements out of the way, I don’t know why I put it off for so long.”  
“What’s your major?” Dirk seemed to be feigning interest to make up for his failed attempt at hospitality.  
“Biochem!”   
Over her face a notification popped up. Rose had an incoming call. She snatched her phone off the table before John could read the name.  
“I’m sorry, Jade,” Rose spoke directly into the phone, now seeming a bit flustered, “I have to to take this. We’ll call you back, ok?”  
“You better!” Jade shouted before Rose switched the calls, excusing herself from the table with hand motions as she put the phone up to her ear and began walking towards the empty firepit in the center of the patio.   
“Wonder who that is,” Dave commented offhandedly.   
“If I had to guess, her roommate,” Dirk responded flatly.  
“You think?”  
Dirk shrugged, “She wouldn’t respond that way for Roxy.”  
Karkat leaned forward a bit, as if trying to listen in to Rose’s phone call. John suppressed a laugh. That was nowhere near possible from how far away they were.   
“So, what are you majoring in?”   
The question lingered in the air before John realized it was for him. Dirk was looking his way curiously.   
Dave gritted his teeth, “Hey, uh, maybe--”   
“No, it’s fine.” John cut him off. It wasn’t like this was a topic that wouldn’t have come up eventually, “I dropped out.”   
“Hm.” Dirk’s expression didn’t waver.   
“I could never figure out what to major in so I went to school undeclared,” he began, “I was always the ‘smart kid’ in high school so I felt like I kinda had to go? But college just,” he took his fist and slammed it into his open palm, “hit me like a brick,” he laughed, “I guess after that I tanked kinda hard? I mean, I didn’t have a direction or focus, you know? So I dropped and just started taking up odd jobs.”  
“I see.”   
Karkat turned his attention away from Rose and leaned over to get John’s attention.   
“Hey, college isn’t for everyone. Kind of a dumbass move for you to force yourself to go, if I’m being honest.”   
Dave rubbed his temples like he was tired of elbowing everyone.  
“I mean it. Most post-college careers have shitty hiring rates or terrible wages. You’d be better off working your way up a retail job or something.”  
“Is that why you manage an Arbys?” Dave snickered.  
“Shut the fuck up, Dave. For your information I make more money than you will be able to dream of by the time you're done paying your stupid debts.”   
Dave just shrugged. Apparently Karkat wasn't aware he was a scholarship student. No one bothered to correct him.  
“He’s not wrong,” Dirk piped in, “I did a couple of years at a tech school before working on an internship. Even if you decide to do school, there are more options than a university.”  
“Haha, thanks?” It was all information John had known before. The advice didn’t really help, but he laughed along and smiled so that they would feel like it did. He didn’t want them feeling down just because of his past mistakes. He was grateful when Dave changed the subject.   
“So, what do you think Rose is talking about?”   
Karkat immediately returned his attention to eavesdropping, and the motion was followed by everyone else. Rose seemed to have her composure, but a permanent smile was planted on her face as she talked. When she hung up, the group immediately went back to focusing on their food.   
“Apologies for that,” Rose said as she pulled out her chair again to sit down, “My roommate has been calling me nearly nonstop since I left. She has made a career out of 'checking up' on me.”  
“I thought you said you two didn’t talk much,” Dirk said.   
“Oh, we don’t. It’s surprised me, actually, but I suppose she’s just a little lonely.”  
In the time Rose had been away, the rest of the group had made significant progress on their meals.   
“I’m actually beginning to feel full,” Rose mentioned as she looked to the plates, “I think I’m going to get a to-go box.   
“Me too,” Dirk agreed.  
John was almost done, as was Karkat. Dave’s plate was empty, and he resorted to snagging fries off of both Karkat’s and Dirk’s plates, not that they showed any indication of minding.   
“Do you think Jade will mind if we wait to call her back until we’re in the car?” Dave asked.  
“She’ll be fine.” Rose sighed, and started looking out for their server.   
The bill was properly split, with Karkat proudly deciding that he would cover the tip. With the remaining food in styrofoam boxes, they were ready to head out. Rose gave a sigh of relief as the air conditioner kicked on on the car. Dave drove them back with Karkat riding shotgun. John found himself sandwiched between Dirk and Rose in the back seat. Rose propped her phone in the cupholder, choosing just to leave it on speaker rather than have it be a video call. John zoned out as the girls primarily talked to each other, with Dave occasionally chiming in.   
“Hey, do you think we could swing by the shop and get my truck?” Dirk spoke out in the middle of the conversation. Dave just nodded.   
“Oh, could John and I join you, then?” Rose asked, “That way Dave wouldn’t have to drop us off.”   
John perked up.  
“Hmm, It’s a two-seater. You two are small, so it could work, but it’s the luggage and the food that I’m worried about.”   
“That’s fine, then. It was just a thought,” Rose hummed, “How about you take John, then. I’ll have time to catch up with you two at the apartment. My time with Dave is much more limited.”   
It hadn’t occurred to John that Rose would be staying with them, not that he minded it. He turned his attention to Dirk, shrugging.   
“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”   
John spent the next few minutes chiming in on the conversation with Jade. It was mostly small-talk, but he wanted to take in the moment. It had been a while since they had taken time to catch up.   
Eventually Dave pulled into a large parking lot, and took the spot next to a silver pickup.   
Dirk thanked him and opened the door, pulling a lanyard with keys from his pocket.   
“I can hold the food,” John offered.  
“Thanks.”   
When they were fully seated and buckled in the truck, Dave drove away. He relished in the few moments of silence before Dirk turned on the radio and started pulling out. After a filling meal, it felt good. He almost closed his eyes with Dirk began to speak.   
“I wanted to… apologize. For last night.”   
There was a brief moment of confusion before John realized what he was talking about. He turned to face Dirk. Right. Dirk was drunk and had crawled into bed with him. It was certainly odd, but nothing more had happened. He briefly wondered if Dirk perhaps wasn’t clear on that fact.   
“Dude, it’s fine. Shit happens,” John offered a smile, “It’s not like you actually did anything, you know? You probably, like, needed that.” John didn’t want to admit that _he_ was the one who did, in fact, need it.   
An uncertain emotion flashed over Dirks face, but it was quickly replaced with stoicism.  
“Still, I shouldn’t have…” He thought on his words, “I shouldn’t have gone out and drank in the first place. It’s not like me.”  
“Like I said, shit happens, you know? You’re going through some rough stuff, aren’t you?”  
John really didn’t want Dirk to feel bad about it. He was the one who brought up Jake a few nights before, and probably planted the seeds. Dirk probably got drunk because of him, and then came home and mistook him for Jake. None of it was Dirk’s fault, at least in his mind. Besides, they both got a good night’s sleep. It was a misunderstanding with minimal consequence, except perhaps for Dirk’s hangover.  
“It won’t happen again.”  
John didn’t know why his chest sank at those words. It brought up something conflicting in him, but he quickly pushed it away.   
“Sure.”   
They spent the rest of the ride home with only the radio to fill the silence.   
Rose met them outside their apartment door, and they let her in to set down her bag and unload her blanket on the couch. At least she would fully fit on it.   
John yawned and headed back to the room to let Dirk and Rose talk for a bit. He ate more than he should have, and was extremely tired because of it. It was earlier than he usually went to bed, but turning in early certainly wouldn’t hurt his sleep schedule.   
From his bed he could hear them trying not to raise their voices as they rambled on to each other about a topic he was too tired to pay attention to. He thought it was funny how much they cared about each other. Just a week ago he had no idea they talked, probably because he never really talked to Dirk himself. It was just an entertaining thought.   
He turned over in his bed to look out at the room. His sheets kind of smelled like Dirk--he probably came home last night drenched in sweat--and he put a note in the back of his brain to wash them in the morning. Though, in the moment, he was too tired to really mind.   
Still, his brain wouldn’t let him doze off. It was irritating him on more than a minor level.  
With an embarrassed sigh he brought his arms around his chest and held himself for a moment.  
No later and he found himself drifting off.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but hopefully it makes up for its length. :)  
> Sorry for the slower updates! Online classes have been kicking my ass and I'm trying to build a bigger backlog.

The orange sun stared down at him, and as John looked up, he could feel its gravity. The whipping winds tugged on his hoodie and forced him to stumble backwards each time his eyes faltered away from the blinding light. The wind scratched at him, whipping his figure back into position, forcing his head back up, forcing his eyes back to the orange glow.   
Around him, John knew the world was collapsing. It wasn’t something he could feel or see, just a fragment of knowledge deep within him. A feeling deep inside of him. The knowledge halted his breath; he was suffocating. Around him, shards of space crashed down, like flickering panels of a television screen. Even so, the sun shone through the splinters of night. Splinters and shards were now stars. Despite the fear he held onto, he had to admit that the beauty of the meteor shower was unrivaled. Suddenly any danger he felt was gone. Just the night sky, and the sun. Serenity. The word gripped his tongue. But he couldn’t speak it. His breathlessness forbade it.   
Then he looked away. A mistake. Shade covered the earth, and he whipped around in a panic, trying to find the sun again. It was gone. But it couldn’t be--it was there a moment ago, John was sure of it.   
He tried to call out in the darkness. His voice hitched in his throat. There was no sound, just a rasping of breath. His breath. His breath which was soon not breath at all, as from his lungs purged what must have been gallons of a viscous black liquid. Oil. He found himself drowning again.  
Panic gripped him, then subsided. He was too tired to fight. Instead, he tried to feel his way through it. He wanted to see where it was going. John succumbed to the feeling, and as the acceptance of his own demise washed over him, his steady breathing returned. He took a deep breath in, cherishing the gift, given to him as if he had passed a test. John opened his eyes to the liquid blackness before him. It stretched out for miles. A long black path.  
At the end of the path he saw a light. The sun.   
It was only when his muscles froze that he saw that the light was not, in fact, the sun. It was headlights. Barreling towards him was his father's car.   
He had to fight to move. His limbs felt like they were trapped in jello, he felt like he weighed a thousand pounds. As soon as he got to his feet, he fell.   
As the tires skirted, he gasped awake.   
“Fuck.”  
It was far from the first nightmare he had, but it was by far the most abstract. He groaned and felt his head. Maybe going out and getting sunlight wasn’t the right answer after all. Or maybe it was the anime he binged the other day.   
Whatever the cause, John wasn’t particularly fond of it. Sure, it beat out the dreams of being forced to watch the crash. Maybe it was better than the dreams of being back at the funeral. But John just wished he could _skip_ those dreams. It wasn’t like he _actually_ watched his dad die. Why couldn’t he just have happy dreams? Why couldn’t he have dreams of them baking together, of his dad helping him study, of _anything else_?  
His adrenaline was pumping. The sweat had mixed into his sheets, constricting him. Before he knew it he was out of his bed, pacing on carpet, focusing on his breathing, the soft current brought on by the AC, and the feeling of the fluff between his toes. Anything to give himself some semblance of feeling present, of feeling real, of feeling _alive._   
It wasn’t helping to calm him down. Not as much as he needed, anyway. He looked to Dirk on the other bed. He didn’t want his incessant pacing to wake him up. Instead, he quietly opened the door to the room and wandered out towards the kitchen.  
He almost turned the light on, before the jarring memory that Rose was staying on their couch returned to him. Instead, he chose to try to navigate the cabinets in the dark. Eventually he felt a glass, and fumbled it out. Thanks to a crack of light peeking out from under the door that led to the communal hallway, John was able to orient himself well enough to find the sink and fill the glass up.  
As he drank, he thought of the situation. He was familiar with this apartment. It was nice, living with Dirk, and living so close to Dave. But this wasn’t his home. He wasn’t going to stay here forever. He wasn’t going to _get to_ stay here forever. He only brought necessities and a few mementos, like a kid moving into a dorm room. His home was still in Washington. But even _that_ wouldn’t feel like home when everything was said and done.  
Part of him wished Dave and Karkat hadn’t convinced him to stay. Maybe being home, and facing reality… Maybe that was what he needed. Maybe by staying here, he was just delaying the inevitable.   
“Nightmare?”   
John whipped around and wiped his eyes. How long had he been crying? He wasn’t sure. That didn’t surprise him. What _did_ surprise him was Dirk’s voice, and the fact that he was awake.   
John nodded, before realizing that Dirk probably couldn’t see him.   
“Yeah,” he rasped out. It was an embarrassing sound, “Sorry I woke you.”  
“Don’t be,” Dirk replied. His voice was calm, serene. It was something for John to grasp on to, “A pin drop could wake me up, ‘s not your fault.”  
There was something like pain there. It wasn’t John’s fault, sure, but Dirk seemed to place the blame on something, or someone, however distant. John took another sip of his water before setting it down, trying not to let the tears fall again.   
“Do you want to… talk about it?”   
He hesitated. Did he want to talk about it? Could he even remember it? He remembered his dad’s car, the oil, the sensation of drowning. He couldn’t remember much else. Suddenly his voice vomited the words before he could stop himself.  
“My dad was there… I think I caused him to crash?” There were hitches of breath scattered through his words. It was obvious that he was crying again.   
Before he could reach up to cover his mouth or wipe his eyes, he felt a hand on his back, which caused him to reflexively stumble forward. Dirk had likely intended to give John a supportive hug. Instead, the darkness and questionable surroundings aided in the imbalance of both of them, and a few moments later John heard the wind get knocked out of Dirk as his back hit the edge of the counter that John now had him pinned to.   
John froze. Instead of forcing himself up, Dirk just shifted his feet to steady himself, and returned his attention to embracing John.   
“You know that it was just a dream.”   
“Yeah.”  
Dirk’s hugs were just as stiff as Dave’s, John noted. The difference was, while Dave wasn’t as lean and had a little more softness, Dirk had an unusually higher body heat. It made it hard to resist. It made it extremely easy to melt into.   
“Yeah, it was just a dream,” He knew his tears were still soaking into Dirk’s undershirt, but his mind was calmer, and his voice came out as a barely audible murmur.   
Dirk just sighed through his nose as John relaxed in the embrace. In turn, John felt Dirk’s muscles relax. His hand traveled up John’s back and began rubbing up and down his spine in slow, lulling movements.   
It was a strangely intimate moment, and John should have been questioning it, but he just couldn’t bring himself to. John never had particularly close friends growing up. He had fleeting acquaintances at best. He wasn’t about to start questioning what was “normal friend behavior,” he was just going to enjoy what he got. Dirk was his friend now.  
He felt his brain start tugging in different directions, grabbing onto far-off thoughts he couldn’t quite reach.   
He wasn’t sure how long he was out before Dirk nudged him awake, but he figured it couldn’t have been more than a few moments if he was still mostly standing, even if he was aided by Dirk and the counter.  
“Were you… asleep just then?”   
John was too tired to verbalize, so instead he just nodded his head into Dirk’s shirt. But then Dirk shifted to try to stand upright, and John realized he probably should too.   
John missed the feeling as soon as it ended.   
“We should both try to get back to sleep while we still have a few hours, huh?”   
“Yeah, right.”   
John began to step forward, but his leg struck some type of structure. He couldn’t tell it it was a wall or a cabinet or furniture due to how turned around he was.   
He felt Dirk’s hand on his shoulder steadying him and softly guiding him in the correct direction. Dirk was much more familiar with the apartment, after all.   
He guided him back down the hallway and to the bedroom. When they entered, John could see the hint of sunrise peeking through the blinds, washing the room in a soft orange glow. He looked over to Dirk as he took his hand away. He was just wearing his black undershirt and his boxers, his glasses set on an empty space on the bookshelf rather than on his face. John just stood where Dirk left as he watched him pull down the covers and get into bed. Even though Dirk wasn’t looking at him, he took the moment to appreciate him without his glasses.  
When, from his bed, Dirk looked back to him with furrowed brows, John quickly averted his gaze and climbed into his own bed.   
It was cold.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brought to you by some weekend motivation.  
> Alcohol Content Warning. Relatively safe consumption.

At the sound of her phone ringing, Rose’s mind jolted awake. Without opening her eyes, she reached to snatch it from the top of her mattress. When her hand grasped an unfamiliar rough fabric, her eyes flashed open. They spinned as she tore her gaze around the open room, trying to orient herself in the darkness. Eventually she saw the bright screen of her phone flashing on the coffee table, and swiped it into her hand with a huff. She sat up and cleared her throat so she could answer the call properly, hoping her heart rate would slow down naturally as she spoke.   
“Hello?”   
“I sincerely hope I am not waking you,” The voice on the other line began, “I seem to have forgotten the difference in our timezones entirely too late, and I figured that hanging up, assuming the ringing already woke you up, that is, wouldn’t help the issue, and--”  
“What is it that you want, Kanaya?” Rose felt bad about the annoyance that was clear in her voice. She figured her roommate picked up on that kind of thing, but it was hard to filter it out while she was still half asleep.   
There was a bit of silence on the line before Kanaya answered, “I just wanted to check up on you. And, well, I wanted to make sure that you woke up on time for your activities today. I know that must seem silly, considering I called you so early and all, but I assure you my intentions were in the right place.”  
“So you called me to wake me up,” Rose pondered, “Only to apologize for waking me up? I must say, that _does_ seem rather silly.” Rose chuckled.  
“My apologies.” Despite Rose’s playful delivery, Kanaya seemed stoic in her response. Rose wasn’t quite sure whether the loss in translation was on Kanaya's side or her own. She assumed the latter, just to be safe.   
“No need, I’m not upset. I actually think it’s quite endearing.”  
There was silence from Kanaya. Rose felt her tongue tie in her throat; she wasn’t going to push.  
“Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?”  
“Not particularly.”  
At least she was honest.   
“Then I suppose I’ll have to let you go. I have been lucky in finding myself with an early start to my day, so I don’t want to waste it.”   
“That is understandable,” Kanaya responded that time with a bit of sweetness in her voice, like she was catching on. Rose smiled.   
“Bye.”  
“Goodbye.”  
And Rose hung up. When she took the phone away from her ear, the lights flickered on, and she saw Dirk entering the kitchen.   
“You’re up early,” She blatantly noted.   
“I’m a light sleeper,” Dirk said, picking up and swishing a lone glass of water on the counter, “Not that you don’t already know that.”  
“Well, I sincerely apologize if I woke you up,” Rose replied. She put a hand over her heart and sighed in false remorse as Dirk dumped the remainder of the glass in the sink, before rinsing it a few times. He didn’t respond.   
“After all, you and John had a rough night, didn’t you?”  
She saw Dirk almost fumble the glass into the sink.   
She had woken up last night at the sound of John drudging into the open room; he wasn’t exactly being terribly quiet. While she couldn’t see anything that was going on, she did notice a long gap in John and Dirk’s conversation. And while that alone didn’t mean much of anything, Dirk’s reaction just then was certainly a tell of something interesting.   
“He had a nightmare,”  
“About his father?” Rose lowered the volume of her voice a bit. She knew John was a heavy sleeper from the tales she had heard from both Strider siblings, but she still didn’t want to chance anything.   
Dirk just nodded.   
“Well, whatever you did must have calmed him down,” She sighed as Dirk returned to putting the glass back in the cabinet. He wasn’t taking the bait anymore, and the mood had passed, so she continued, “I didn’t realize he was still hurting so much over it. I mean, it’s understandable, or course--I’m not saying it isn’t--but it’s still jarring to see in person. He hasn’t talked to me lately, so I didn’t know.”  
“He probably doesn't want to be analyzed for having reasonable feelings.”  
Dirk wasn’t wrong, so Rose just shrugged.   
“Has he opened up to you at all about it?”  
Dirk shook his head, “Last night was really the first time he mentioned it.”   
Rose hummed, “He hasn’t really talked to Dave, Jade, or I about it besides initially letting us know. For a while it was like he was distancing himself. That's why it took me by so much surprise that he drove all the way down here to see Dave.”  
“Let me guess, it’s also part of the reason you decided to fly down here?”  
“Well I couldn’t just leave him with you and Dave without seeing for myself. Besides…” Rose crossed her legs, “I care about John, a lot. If anything happened to him, I don’t know if I could live with myself.”  
Dirk just nodded. As much as she claimed Dirk to be her friend, and as much as she had in common with him, their relationship paled in comparison to how much she cared about Dave, Jade, and John. She knew that, and she knew that Dirk knew that. As much as the prior statement was a moment of self reflection, it was also a threat. If Dirk did anything to hurt John, it would be the last thing he did. The state she first saw Dirk in when she entered the apartment yesterday just added fuel to the fire that was behind her eyes. Dirk moved his shades to rest atop his head to meet that fire. He knew what he was dealing with.   
Besides her relationship with her close circle of friends, though, Rose knew Dirk also had his. And she knew he would feel the same about them, if not for recent happenings. Rose got a lot of information from her sister whether she wanted to or not. (In the end, though, she always wanted to.)  
Dirk walked over and sat beside her on the couch. Rose looked at him.  
“Have you heard from Jane or Jake yet?” She spoke with the utmost care in her tone, placing her hand on Dirk’s shoulder.   
“No, nor do I particularly care,” Dirk said, like a liar. He never “didn’t care” about anything, especially when it came to his friends.   
Rose decided to be a good friend and not push the issue. Instead, she opted to provide comfort.   
“They’ll come around, I’m sure of it. Oh, and, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you and Jake are getting back together,” Rose saw Dirk drop his shades back over his eyes, “But they don’t have a reason to _hate_ you. If anything, you have a reason to hate them right now. And you don’t, do you?”  
Dirk just shook his head. Rose could see his clenched jaw.   
“See? Everything will work out. And if for some reason it doesn’t, you deserve--”  
“Don’t tell me what I deserve,” There was bitterness on his tongue. Dangerous bitterness. Like Dirk was focusing all his energy on not combusing. Dirk immediately sighed, and Rose knew his anger was misdirected. The sigh was an admission of that, it was an apology too proud for words.   
“Then I won’t, but in turn, you have to trust me that it will work out.”   
“Fine.” Dirk stood up.   
A ringtone broke out again, Rose saw her phone light up with a picture of Dave.   
“Go get ready for today, ok? We’ll let John sleep in.”  
Dirk nodded and headed towards the bathroom. Rose answered the phone.  
Her talk with Dave was short and sweet. He was actually ahead of schedule. With no reason to worry, she rummaged through Dirk’s pantry to help herself to a light breakfast, which ended up just being a couple of toaster pastries. When Dirk got out of the shower, she grabbed a set of clothes and took her turn, before getting dressed and brushing her teeth. Her hair was a bit of an issue--she was overdue for a cut, and sleeping on the couch didn’t help with her bedhead. She had hoped a bit of conditioner would have made it brushable, but she swore the wetness just caused it to be a bigger hassel. By the time she had finished and applied her makeup, Dirk was knocking on the bathroom door.   
“You wanna try to wake John up?”   
Rose gasped, all faux enthusiasm, “Would I?!”   
The brightness of her voice under the thinly veiled sarcasm caused Dirk to visibly cringe. It caused Rose to snort in laughter as she rolled her eyes. She brushed him aside and left the bathroom to head to John and Dirk’s shared bedroom.  
John was on his bed, absolutely tangled in the blankets, cuddling a pillow that he had his arms wrapped around.   
Dirk leaned on the windowsill as he looked down to John. Rose decided to take the pacifist approach of trying to nudge him awake. There was no change besides the flex of his fingers. She shook him a bit harder.  
“Would splashing water on him be too rude?”   
“Hm,” Dirk shifted, “Probably,” He walked over and put his hand on Rose’s shoulder, pulling her away from her attempt, “ Do you want me to try instead?”  
Rose shrugged, stepping away to give Dirk the floor.   
Dirk just looked down at John with furrowed brows.  
Rose gave it a few moments before rolling her eyes.   
“Don’t tell me that your anime has given you enough brain rot that you actually believe you have telekinetic powers?”  
Dirk opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by the sound of knocking on the apartment door. Rose sighed.  
“I’ll leave you to it then,” She said with a woeful expression, clasping her hands and exiting the room. She refused to close the door behind her--if Dirk wanted to try anything silly then he didn’t deserve the privacy. She instead turned her attention to a different door, the door to the apartment, and opened it for the expected guest. Or, in this case, guests, plural.   
Dave was standing with his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. Karkat stood behind him carrying two deep dishes stacked atop each other. They were almost obscuring his face. Rose smiles and sidestepped to let them in.   
“How goes it? Your night go a-ok?” Dave asked, twirling around Rose before letting himself fall backwards onto the couch, “Shit, this blanket’s soft. Newborn puppy soft. Holy shit Rose, where’d you get this?”   
Rose snorted and closed the door, eying Karkat as he unloaded the glass containers onto the kitchen counter. He also had a hefty gas station bag around his elbow that he seemed eager to set down. She briefly wondered if he really was that much of a pushover, or if he was compensating.  
“I got it in New York. But perhaps looking at the manufacturer tag would be more beneficial information. I had a wonderful night, by the way.”  
Dave was probably rolling his eyes under his glasses. Rose didn’t particularly care. Her eyes drifted over to the hallway, where it looked like John was emerging, dressed and ready for the day even if he carried himself like he was still asleep. He pulled out a stool from the kitchen counter and sat beside where Karkat was standing. Dirk followed suit.   
“I hope you guys like spaghetti,” Karkat mumbled, “We might’ve made too much.”   
Dave immediately shot forward to sit up, “Dude, there can never be too much spaghetti.”  
Karkat groaned, face full of regret. Rose interpreted it as the face of a man who has had nothing to eat but spaghetti for the past few days. Maybe that was why Karkat was so adamant about going out last night.   
John seemed to perk up a bit at the idea of food. Dirk started gathering plates from the cabinets. Rose sat down besides Dave on the couch.   
Small talk between the five of them ensued. Rose would occasionally notice Karkat glancing around the apartment, as if trying to inspect its validity. Even after Dave had talked with him yesterday, his suspicions of Dirk weren’t cleared. It was funny how protective he seemed of a near stranger, but Rose didn’t want to bother asking about it. As much as she loved to pry, she knew there was a time and a place. And right now, her friends were together and having a good time. She wasn’t going to break that.   
“Guys! This is really good!” John was wide awake now, practically shoveling the pasta in his mouth.   
“Secret ingredient,” Dave put up finger guns towards the counter, “Vodka.”  
“Really?” Dirk sounded surprised, but he was enjoying the dish nonetheless, “I mean, it does sound like the kinda bullshit you’d try.”   
“No, no, dude,” Dave let his fingers droop, “It’s like. An actual cooking thing. It makes the flavors pop. Karkat taught me.”  
“Of course,” Dirk continued, “I couldn’t expect my brother to accidentally stumble upon a combination this good, right? Thank you, Karkat.”  
Karkat was grinning. The backhanded compliment won him a few points. Maybe he would dig himself out of Karkat’s shitlist after all.   
Rose looked down to her plate. She was wondering why her sauce never turned out quite like her mothers, and now she had an answer. She would have to tell Roxy later. Or… Maybe not. She didn’t like the idea of her sister having alcohol in the house recklessly, even if she knew she could handle herself. It still didn’t sit right.   
Karkat stopped eating halfway through his first plate. John and Dave, meanwhile, were already lunging at seconds. With most of them now focused on eating, conversation was starting to fizzle out.   
“Why don’t we put on a movie?” John chimed, after a few moments of silence.   
“I’m down,” Dave managed to get out between bites. After a rough swallow, he turned his attention to Dirk and continued, “Did you finally man up and cut cable, or are we gonna have to look through tv listings?”   
Dirk flipped up his shades to narrow his eyes at his brother, before flopping them back down. “I have some dvds, you know,” he retorted.   
Rose saw John grimace a little. Dave’s following words seemed to explain it.  
“Do you have anything that’s like, not your anime bullshit?”  
Dirk shrugged and stood up, “Let me check,” and he was off into his workroom.   
Eventually Dirk had brought out an old samurai flick. It was dubbed, much to Dave’s delight, as he managed to mock every bit of the mismatched lip-syncing in the first few minutes. Eventually Karkat moved to sit on the couch next to Dave. Rose stood up so that John could sit by them too--he was more invested than she was. Dirk moved to awkwardly sit (or, maybe, lean) on the armrest next to John. Rose opted to just sit on the carpeted floor in front of the couch.  
Admittedly, the movie was good enough to keep her attention. It focused more on storytelling than action, and it had a genuine romantic subplot that she hadn’t expected. The main character was brooding and overdramatic, but she didn’t expect much more from Dirk.   
In what she could only assume was slightly past the halfway mark, a fight scene broke out. The plot had halted, and Rose stood up to get something to drink. When she checked behind her, she took notice of the wildly changed position her friends were in.  
Dirk had taken John’s spot on the couch. John was now instead lying over the laps of the three of them, absolutely tangled in her blanket. She had to struggle not to laugh at the sight.  
Dave watched her get get up, and shouted over the hacking and slashing to get her attention.   
“Hey, Rose, can you get me a beer? They’re in the bag Karkat brought in.”  
“Oh!” John tilted his head up from its spot in Dirk’s lap, “Can you bring me one too?”   
Rose nodded. Indeed, inside the bag was a six pack of hard cider, along with a cheap bottle opener. Instead of grabbing the bottles individually, she opted to just bring the case over along with a glass of water for herself. John and Dave helped themselves.   
A three hour movie later, and their time was barely eating into the afternoon. Before the credits had even finished rolling (though, to be fair, there were a lot,) Dave ordered John to get his laptop, ending the cuddle session between the boys. Rose watched as Dave struggled with a password before loading up a game. He set it in the center of the coffee table, allowing all of them to see the screen.   
It was a collection of games, actually. They could each use their smartphones to input answers, which would then show up on the screen. It wasted a couple more hours. And--Rose noticed as she kept eyeing John--a few more drinks.   
Dave had only had the one beer. Rose and Dirk didn’t drink. Karkat refused to even look at alcohol while he was Dave’s designated driver. John was slowly going through the rest at a reasonable speed. Not nearly fast enough to get him wasted, but John didn’t weigh that much and he was definitely half-past tipsy. Rose cut him off from the last bottle as he reached for it.   
“Save this one for a rainy day, Egbert,”  
“Awh, but Roooseee,” John practically whined, but Rose had already taken the bottle and moved it to the fridge.   
“Actually,” Dave piped up, “Speaking of another day, I’m getting kind of bored of Guesspionage. We should decide what we want to do tomorrow. Fuck, night’s still young. We can still get out today.”   
Rose’s mind was blanking. Judging by the look on John’s face, his was too.   
It was Dirk who eventually broke the brainstorming silence.  
“We could go to the beach?”   
“Aw, fuck yeah!” Dave lit up at the suggestion.   
“I didn’t bring a swimsuit with me,” Rose sighed. It was an oversight she shouldn’t have made.   
“I kinda didn’t either….” John admitted   
“I don’t think I actually own swim trunks? Besides, the ocean is fucking terrifying.” Karkat added, bluntly.   
“Awh, what? Man, you guys are super lame.” Dave stood up in agitation, “Right now, we’re going to the mall. We’re gonna go shopping. We’ll buy you some. Shit, I’ll pay.”   
Rose raised an eyebrow.   
“Correction, I’ll pay within reason.”  
John stood up to meet Dave’s energy, before nearly stumbling and falling face-first into the coffee table. He only caught himself because Dirk caught his arm. Rose wondered how inebriated he was.  
“Do you need a child leash for him?” She asked Dirk, who just snorted and let go of John. John shook himself out and shot a sarcastic glare to Rose.   
“I’m fine, Rose. Never been better.”   
At least his words were sharp.   
“Fine, let’s go shopping,” She sighed. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CWs: John's a bit tipsy, Mentions of trauma. 
> 
> Also, since I've been gone for a bit (more on that in the bottom note) I figured now would be a good time for a RECAP so you don't have to reread a bunch. Feel free to skip to the chapter if you don't need it. 
> 
> _After John's dad passes away in a tragic car accident, he falls into a slump, closing himself off from his friends and remaining family. In a rash decision to regain control of his life, he drives to Texas to meet one of his closest friends for the first time in-person: Dave. Unfortunately, Dave has a small apartment that he shares with a grumpy roommate, Karkat, leaving John to sleep on the couch. In the following days, John unintentionally helps Karkat and Dave bond, before coming to the realization that he can't keep crashing there forever._
> 
> _Dave's brother Dirk messages him about his boyfriend, Jake, who cleared out his stuff and left, abandoning him, his apartment, and the lease. Dave suggests John should move in in his place. They also agree to start communicating with each other more._
> 
> _John moves in, sharing a bedroom with Dirk, and Dirk starts learning things about him: John's a dead sleeper, he sleeps a lot, he's distant, and he snoops. John, in turn, learns some things about Dirk: He's gay, aching about a bad breakup, likes anime, and has a really fucked up animatronic puppet studio in place of a second bedroom. Around this time, Dirk starts talking to Roxy about the situation, who confirms Jane and Jake aren't responding to her. Later, Dirk and John have a video call with Rose, who jokes about their relationship. John, comphet as hell, has a gay crisis to Dave, afraid that Dirk might be flirting with him. Dave reassures him that his brother isn't about to jump into another relationship._
> 
> _Still upset about Jake and realizing his controlling behavior over their relationship, Dirk beats himself up. He ignores messages from Dave and distances himself from Roxy. Eventually responding to Dave, and finding out he made John uncomfortable, he loses control. After work, he gives up on his disdain for alcohol, and goes for drinks, getting hammered. At the end of the night, he climbs into bed with John, mistaking him for Jake. Unbeknownst to him, John, really needing physical comfort, appreciates the cuddles._
> 
> _They wake up the next morning to a knock on the door. Dirk had forgotten about the surprise planned for John - Rose was flying out for the weekend so that her, Dave, and John (as well as Karkat and Dirk) could hang out together for the first time. When he answers the door to Rose, Karkat, and Dave with an obvious hangover, they go on the offensive in various levels, all worried about John's safety. After a private confrontation with his worried brother, Dirk takes a shower and sobers up. They end up going out to eat, avoiding the obvious elephant in the room, and video-call with Jade, talking about college and career choices. Dirk and John leave on their own, and Dirk apologizes for the previous night, promising it wont happen again. John doesn't know why his heart sinks at that. Rose returns to the apartment and sleeps on the couch._
> 
> _John has a nightmare about his father, but its disorienting and strange. He goes to get a glass of water. Dirk, being a light sleeper, wakes up to this. They talk to eachother in the kitchen. Dirk embraces John to try and comfort him, and John falls asleep in his arms, and eventually Dirk leads him back to the room so they can sleep._
> 
> _In the morning, after a call from her roommate Kanaya, Rose admits to Dirk that she heard the whole ordeal. She's two steps ahead, and insinuates a threat for Dirk to not hurt John. They also briefly talk about the situation regarding Jane and Jake. After waking John up, Karkat and Dave arrive with home cooked spaghetti and hard cider. The group of them eat, with John hoarding most of the alcohol, and watch one of Dirk's samurai flicks. The group agrees to go to the mall and buy swimsuits so that they can enjoy the beach tomorrow._
> 
> .... And that's where we are!

John was… handsy, for lack of a better word. Just… not in a way that was particularly inappropriate. Dirk would have been worried that maybe he broke a boundary last night if it weren’t for the fact that John was all over _everyone,_ not just him. Maybe he was just comfortable. Maybe it was the alcohol still in his system. Whatever the case, John had no issue reaching over and ruffling his hair, putting his arms around Dave, holding Rose’s hand, or giving Karkat bear hugs so tight that they made _him_ gasp for breath, just from watching.   
It was a nice change of pace from the tired, aloof John that had been living in his apartment so far. Even if he didn’t particularly like having to check his reflection in shop windows to fix his hair.   
“This shop looks nice,” Rose pointed with her free hand towards a lingerie shop that had some risque bikinis prominently on display in the window.  
“Oh, hell, Lalonde. You’re gonna make my pockets bleed,” Dave groaned.   
Rose just laughed, entering the shop regardless. The rest of the party let out a sigh of disappointment at having to follow. When the lady in the shop welcomed them and asked how she could help, they all just pointed to Rose. Together the two women went off, abandoning Dirk and the rest near the entrance.   
Dave immediately darted towards the nearest rack of bras and started thumbing through the price tags.   
“Holy shit,” his voice was shaking, “I cannot let Rose rob me like this. Fuck that.”  
“Knowing her,” Dirk interjected, “She’s doing this to mess with you. If she gets anything from in here she’ll pay for it herself,” he shrugged, “But if it makes you feel better, I’ll pitch in if she doesn’t.”   
Dave looked like he was about to cry as he shot back towards Dirk.  
“You’re a fucking life saver. You’re my lifeline. My one and only-”  
“Stop,” He didn’t want to hear his brother’s ramblings, “Why don’t you look around. Get ideas for your future girlfriend, or whatever.”   
The suggestion seemed to catch Dave completely off guard. Before he could wonder why, though, his expression changed into a cheeky grin.   
“Dude. Look at John.”  
Dirk obliged and turned his head. John was slacked, hunched into himself as if trying to make himself small, using his hand to shield his eyes.   
“Oh, for Christ’s sake.”  
Dirk reached over to swat John’s hand away, before grabbing his square frames and gently pulling them off of his face. John blinked in surprise.   
“There, now you can’t see.”   
For added effect, Dirk took his own glasses off and placed them over John’s eyes. They looked obnoxious on his face, but John just chuckled to himself.  
“Now no one can tell what you’re looking at, either.”  
Dave bust out laughing, and John followed suit.   
“Holy shit, Egbert,” Dave got out in between laughs, “Hold on,” he pulled out his phone, “Move closer to your left, I gotta get a pic of you by the window bikinis.”  
John followed the instructions, a goofy smile plastered on his face as Dave took photos at rapid speed.   
“God, fuck,” Dave put his phone away and tried to catch his breath, before returning his attention to the rest of the store. He got out a few more chuckles before his expression returned to his normal, relaxed stoicism. His brows furrowed. “Did you see where Karkat went?”   
He was right, Karkat had vanished.   
“Maybe he’s deeper in the store?”   
“Maybe,” He shifted his stance and cocked his head, “Gonna go try and find him. If I don’t return in 20, call for help.”   
Dirk just nodded and left Dave to delve deeper into the endless lingerie. He couldn’t hide the surprise in his expression when John grabbed his shoulder and violently turned Dirk to face him.  
“Hey,” John smirked.   
Dirk hated that the glasses managed to hide his expression. He couldn’t decipher meaning.   
“Hey?”   
“Let’s get outta here.”  
“Uh,”   
He felt exposed without his glasses. Every puzzled emotion was probably flashing across his face at rapid speed. What the _fuck_ did John mean by that? John’s eyes were blocked out. With those features gone, he almost looked like Jake. And when _Jake_ said that sort of shit--  
John dropped the smile.   
“Dude. Shops are gonna start closing in a few hours and I still don’t have swim trunks. I don’t think we’re gonna find any here. Rose can’t miss us that much if we’re trying to do something productive.”  
Oh.   
Oh, right, _God._ What the hell was going through his mind just then? Shit.  
“Yeah. Lets, uh, do that. I’m just gonna,” _Yoink._ Dirk took his glasses and returned them to their designated spot on his face. He handed John back his glasses as well. John raised an eyebrow, confused, but the expression only lasted a second before he grabbed Dirk’s hand and practically dragged him out of the shop.   
“Man, this place is huge,” he beamed, “I used to go to the mall a lot as a kid, but it’s been forever, y’know? It’s a nice change of pace.”  
It had been a while for Dirk, too. Dave was more into loitering and window shopping than he ever was. If he ever needed to actually _buy_ anything, there were closer or cheaper options. Better yet, he could shop online and never have to leave the apartment. He couldn’t grasp why anyone would go to a mall anymore, aside from the experience, which was never an experience he fully understood.   
With friends though, he was starting to understand why it might be fun.   
“Hey, why don’t we try here?” John pointed to a generic men’s store with his free hand. Casual streetwear was framed in the window, but looking through the entrance yielded a summer collection on the sales floor. It looked relatively inexpensive, but Dirk could never accurately tell.   
He just shrugged, “Yeah, sure.”   
John dragged him by his hand into the store before letting go. No one was there to greet them right away. Dirk looked up and saw a mirror overhead, which reflected deeper into the store. He figured the checkout was farther back as well.   
John was already thumbing through the displays. He seemed to care less about the design, instead feeling the fabric and make. Eventually he pulled out a blue-ish pair with some sort of attempted vaporwave design.  
“Do these look stupid?” John asked, holding them over his frame, “I’m sure you can judge what looks good, right?”  
It was a baseless accusation, and Dirk let out a disappointed sigh when his mind connected it to John's probable reasoning. He was actually starting to think his roommate’s straight brain had moved past his sexuality, but alas there were still some kinks to work out. Or maybe he was just reading too much into it.  
“Yeah, it looks fine,” he blankly offered.   
“Cool. Let’s check out.”  
“What, no style montage?”   
John was already folding the pair up in his arms. “I mean, I’m pretty sure this is the same brand as the ones I have at home? Feels close enough. No need to try them on.”  
Dirk just shrugged and pulled out his wallet, following John to the counter.   
“Did you find everything alright?” The lady asked.   
“Sure did!” John clicked his tongue as he set the trunks on the counter to be scanned.   
When she rang up the total, Dirk slid his card over before John could even fish his wallet out.   
“Dude, what gives? It’s, like, thirty bucks, I can afford that.”   
“I have a job, you don’t. Save your money for now.”   
John just pouted as the cashier handed them a bag. Dirk swiped it up and turned to walk out.   
“Fine, but I owe you now.”   
Dirk almost dropped the bag.   
“What? No you don’t.”   
“No, Dirk. You totally just saved me thirty dollars. I have to do something really nice for you now.”   
He went to rub his temples. Anxiety was rising in his chest at the implications of the statement. Implications that he knew his mind was making up at this point. It was nothing he particularly wanted from _John,_ but the time without hearing from Jake, from seeing Jake, from _feeling_ Jake… it was beginning to cloud his judgments, his senses.   
Even though Dirk absolutely _knew_ that John’s intentions were far more innocent.   
If he could slam his head through a wall without mall security getting on his ass, he would.   
And then there was a touch. An unwelcome spark on his shoulder. He was never good with people touching him. Not if he couldn’t see them. It normally would have made him jump. But his stress was pent up, his thoughts weren’t in the moment. In a moment of weakness, his heart rate spiked.   
Dirk jumped around with an angled elbow. Before he could process what was happening, his forearm made contact with John’s side, sending him to the ground. For a split second their eyes made contact. John’s eyes were wide with fear and shock. Dirk was sure his expression matched.  
In an instant, Dirk dropped the bag and kneeled down to meet him.  
“Fuck, sorry.”  
He hated that it was all he could say. ‘Sorry,’ like it was a casual bump. John sat up and rubbed his side. He was still too shocked to form words.   
A couple of bystanders were staring. They were in the middle of the floor, right in the walking path. Dirk reached under John’s arms to prop him up. John was mostly leaning on him. He still wasn’t sure how hard he hit, but he knew they needed to move out of the way to avoid causing a scene. Before he could get completely to the side of the lane, John shifted to his own weight and stood on his own.   
“Yeah, that’s gonna bruise,” he grunted.  
Panic coursed through Dirk’s veins.   
“Are you sure that you’re ok? Fuck, I don’t know why I--”  
John put his hands up and cut him off, “ No, no. It’s my fault. I know how you and Dave grew up. I shouldn’t be grabbing at you like that.”   
John patted his shirt down from where it had bunched up when he fell. Dirk could tell he was avoiding the spot where he hit him. He was still in pain.  
Dirk was about to reach out, but then John laughed.   
“Hey, does this mean we’re even now?” John joked, “Or does it at least get me a half-off discount on your repayment or something?”   
Dirk was taken aback at how quickly he was joking it off.   
No, John was joking it off for _his_ sake. He didn’t want him to feel bad about it. It just made him want to gut himself even more. He _deserved_ to feel bad.   
Nevertheless, he figured he should joke back, but he couldn’t find the words. Dirk was never good with that sort of thing.   
John reached his hand up, slowly this time. Even through the barrier of glasses he locked eyes with Dirk for permission, before gently placing his hand down over his shoulder. John rubbed his thumb against it. It was comforting. The boiling beneath his skin, the physical manifestation of the anger and shock he felt subsided. But the thoughts remained.   
“How about I buy us dinner?” he asked, “The food court is pretty close, right? We can eat while we wait for the others to finish shopping.”  
“Uh… Sure.” Dirk’s words returned to him.   
John just smiled at him, before gently breaking the eye contact. He wandered over to where the bag was still sitting on the ground, and picked it up. They had initially passed the food court on the way to Rose’s destination, caught up in conversation. John apparently had remembered where it was, so he led the way. Dirk just followed behind. He flexed his hands, and tried to focus on his breathing.   
Why was it that John put up with him? The last few days had been fuckup over fuckup. John was in mourning. He didn’t know how to console him. On the night where he probably needed someone, Dirk left to take a walk. On the call with Rose, he had gotten too close, made the guy uncomfortable. He overshadowed John’s problems by venting about his ex, as if it was even comparable. He let Jake consume his mind, he put up his walls, he scared John off from talking to him. He got drunk and climbed into bed with him. He fucked up the surprise his friends had planned for him. Last night he had tried his best, for the first time, to console John. To give him attention. Did he not bother to even _think_ that John was uncomfortable being near him? That it was a bad choice? A bad move?   
He clenched his fists.   
Yeah, and it was such a smart move to let his guard down, let his trauma get the better of him. To _knock his roommate to the ground._ Weak. Stupid. Way to show his past self up.  
He wanted John to hate him. To show it. He _deserved_ it.   
Yet he was putting up a mask. Why? Was it because his friends were here? Was it because of Dave and Rose? Did he not want things to be awkward between them?   
Dirk could respect it. He didn’t have to like it.   
When John pointed towards the serving window of a cheap Chinese restaurant, Dirk just nodded along. They sat down after John paid, and Dirk opened his phone to text Rose their location, and nothing more. He let John talk his ear off about an old movie he liked as he picked at his food silently. At least it seemed that he was sobered up completely.   
Eventually Rose sat down to join them, relatively excited about the suit she chose. Of course, before she could adequately join the conversation, her roommate called, and she had to excuse herself from the table.   
Dave and Karkat followed not too long afterwards. Dave was seemingly ecstatic that, like Rose, Karkat had opted to pay for his own swimwear. When Dirk informed him that John’s was also covered, he looked like he was about to cry.   
Dirk was happy when Karkat overtook the conversation, arguing with John about the movie he was still raving about. It gave him time to sit back and relax. If he kept his mouth shut, that meant he couldn’t screw up.  
He silently prayed that he wouldn’t manage to mess tomorrow up. John deserved one good day. He deserved a day at the beach with his friends. Maybe he would plead sick? No, that would probably make the others pity him. That was the last thing he wanted.   
Whatever; it was a decision for tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extremely sorry about the wait on this. I'm definitely not abandoning this, but covid related issues hit me and my fam badly not long after the last chapter was posted. I've been working and taking classes on top of that. I wasn't going to pretend that during those months real life didn't take priority. This chapter was pre-written, but ended on a bit of a sour note so I didn’t want to post it until I was at least halfway through with the next chapter.
> 
> I've still got my motivation for this, but real life is still a bitch atm. Chapters probably aren't going to return to the rapid-fire rate they were at the beginning. They’ll still be coming though.
> 
> That said, thank y'all SO MUCH for the comments/kudos while I was gone. I really appreciate all of you. It means a lot, especially considering this is pretty much my first fanfic (that matters, anyway.)


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